Friday, February 5, 2010

I can't crawl out of this hole. I can't stop feeling stuck. My education may be moving forward but my life feels like it's just hit this plateau. I have stopped wanting to do anything yet I still force myself to spend as little time home alone as possible.

It's totally affecting my relationship with Matt too. I'm constantly on edge and it's much easier to hold back tears if you raise your voice and shut it all in. It's hard for me to even want to talk to him because I know he is going to blame my mental instability on chemical imbalance. As much as I know that plays a role in it, I don't feel like taking medications would put a dent in the sadness my heart feels.

I go through every single day feeling like part of me is missing. I try to distract myself. I try and find other things to obsess about but I always end up in the same exact spot. I'm slowly getting back into the birth business. I plan on actually certifying as a doula this April so I won't be just volunteering anymore. I felt like I was so ready to get back on this horse and now I am just not so sure. A big kick in the gut came when I realized that people I had become internet friends with before our loss started popping back up to start trying to conceive their second little ones while my arms are still empty.

Some days my job helps, some days it just adds salt to the wound. It's so hard to parent someone else's child every day when all my heart wants is the chance to parent my own. His sweet little laugh warms my heart while reminding me of what I don't have.

I know time is on my side. I know I am young. I know there are a million and half reasons why we should wait it out, but knowing doesn't make it any easier. I am getting my teeth fixed next month and so we are trying our best to avoid until April and having a confident smile to look forward to makes the wait a pinch easier.

I won't apologize for my pity party. I need this outlet. Just acknowledging this rut makes it seem like it will be easier to climb out of.

Grief has no time limits. It has left it's imprint on my heart. I wish I could stop opening up this wound but I don't feel like it will start to scab over at all until I have my own little one to love.


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