Sunday, February 21, 2010

Such a busy couple of months ahead of me and I would love nothing more than to be draggingly tired the entire time hah.

I am going to my best friend's bachelorette party in 3 weeks which will be in Dallas. Luckily I don't have to drive then entire way since I will be meeting them about half way into the trip where our paths cross. Unfortunately (for me anyway) one of the girls that will be attending just found out that she is pregnant. She never thinks before she speaks and has been known to hurt my feelings on more than a few occasions so I am preparing myself for some heart break. I know she'll want to talk about it the entire time, and while I know I would too, it will still sting. I know that by the time my friend gets married, April 10th, she'll be showing a bit and very proud of having to take out her bridesmaid dress.

Another one of my close friends is expecting as well. It was quite a shock to me since she has pretty much been exclusively dating women for the past year and a half. One rendezvous with her ex-boyfriend and that was all it took. She is thrilled beyond belief and while I want so badly to be exclusively happy for her, I am struggling. I am growing more and more bitter despite my best attempts.

Matt constantly tells me it's not a race. It doesn't matter how much I repeat that to myself, it doesn't take away the sting when it feels like all my friends are becoming mothers and I am still stuck in the roles I've held for years. Very few people understand why I feel like this.

In March I have to sign up to take the TEAS test (in April) which determines whether or not I get into the nursing program for this summer. Also in April, other than this crazy big test and my best friend's wedding, I will be taking a 2 day training workshop from Doulas of North America (DONA). It will require me to miss a day of school and a day of work but it will mean that I will be only three births away from certification and getting paid to do something that I love. It also means that I could possibly be wasting almost $400 on a workshop and certification if I decide I can't handle birth and pregnant ladies and new babies all the time.

We started out this cycle avoiding but ended up actually having a shot. Just a few days into this second half of my cycle, the tortuous wait that hasn't gotten any easier, even after almost 3 years. I suddenly crawled out of my funk a week or so ago and have felt just the oddest sense of peace since then. I know I will become a mother one day. I know that my motherly love isn't wasted right now because there is an adorable toddler boy who soaks it up three days a week. I am keeping myself busy which I have found to help and I don't allow myself to hole up at the house. I go to bookstores to write and do my homework. I make a conscious effort every single day to not let myself start to slip back towards that darkness.

This is my life right now. Cautious optimism. Forcing myself to smile. Enjoying the ride.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I can't crawl out of this hole. I can't stop feeling stuck. My education may be moving forward but my life feels like it's just hit this plateau. I have stopped wanting to do anything yet I still force myself to spend as little time home alone as possible.

It's totally affecting my relationship with Matt too. I'm constantly on edge and it's much easier to hold back tears if you raise your voice and shut it all in. It's hard for me to even want to talk to him because I know he is going to blame my mental instability on chemical imbalance. As much as I know that plays a role in it, I don't feel like taking medications would put a dent in the sadness my heart feels.

I go through every single day feeling like part of me is missing. I try to distract myself. I try and find other things to obsess about but I always end up in the same exact spot. I'm slowly getting back into the birth business. I plan on actually certifying as a doula this April so I won't be just volunteering anymore. I felt like I was so ready to get back on this horse and now I am just not so sure. A big kick in the gut came when I realized that people I had become internet friends with before our loss started popping back up to start trying to conceive their second little ones while my arms are still empty.

Some days my job helps, some days it just adds salt to the wound. It's so hard to parent someone else's child every day when all my heart wants is the chance to parent my own. His sweet little laugh warms my heart while reminding me of what I don't have.

I know time is on my side. I know I am young. I know there are a million and half reasons why we should wait it out, but knowing doesn't make it any easier. I am getting my teeth fixed next month and so we are trying our best to avoid until April and having a confident smile to look forward to makes the wait a pinch easier.

I won't apologize for my pity party. I need this outlet. Just acknowledging this rut makes it seem like it will be easier to climb out of.

Grief has no time limits. It has left it's imprint on my heart. I wish I could stop opening up this wound but I don't feel like it will start to scab over at all until I have my own little one to love.

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