Saturday, January 9, 2010

My husband is at a defensive driving class that he had to take because he got a speeding ticket so I've taken this opportunity to watch a movie I knew he wouldn't enjoy, although my burning red eyes make me regret it now. You probably shouldn't read this if you're as easily bummed out as I am.

I have always been a huge fan of Cary Grant. He just makes me weak in the knees. That's the reason I decided to watch this movie in the first place. The synopsis said something along the lines of a married couple, wildly in love, desperately wants to have a baby and then there is an earthquake and she loses the baby (which I thought sounded a bit absurd at first, like perhaps it was shaken out of her). It really has been a heartwarming movie though. And her loss is rather believable since she has a whole wall collapse on top of her. The next couple scenes made me so thankful that my loss happened in the 21st century, in the land of color. She was taken to a hospital where she had to recover on the maternity ward and her husband wasn't allowed to see her for days. In the scene where her husband finally gets to see her, you hear babies crying all around. I can't imagine having to recover from a miscarriage while in every room around you there are moms who got a baby in the end. As popular notion assumes, the characters decide the next step is adoption. They go in thinking they will get to come home with a two year old who looks just like what they want him to look like so it's sad to see her crushed when the lady tells her she'll probably have to wait at least a year. A few months later that lady actually comes and does a brief home study before telling them that she has a five week old little girl just for them. Cary Grant's character takes some talking into because she "is not a boy" but agrees to go "take a look at her". Needless to say, they take this sweet little baby girl home with them. The nurse lady gave them a schedule that they have posted on the wall and I laughed aloud when the new parents called it "the directions". I don't know if I have seen anything as adorable as Cary Grant as a terrified new dad. At one point when the baby is crying, he half screams at his wife to "do something! Can't you see the baby's suffering!" Another absolutely adorable moment comes when the wifey can't sleep and decides to bring the baby into their bed with her. Cary Grant's character wakes up a short while later and decides to go check on the baby in her room and then goes absolutely bananas when he can't find the baby. He starts screaming and says the baby has been kidnapped which makes the woman jump out of bed, which wakes the baby. I am just loving how real their fear is and how this baby is actually a baby. She is afraid to even bathe the baby for fear she'll drown her. It was nice to see cloth diapers in the movie, and how she struggled to figure out how to fold it and put it on. The burly business assistant, probably the last guy you'd expect to know anything about babies, ends up helping them bathe and diaper her. I think it probably most adequately and realistically displays the challenges of a newborn (as much as I know about it through friends, bleh). I actually thought that she was going to get taken away from them since Cary Grant lost his job, and after a year of raising their sweet little daughter, the judge starts talking about how it's policy to put them back in the orphanage if a family doesn't have a sufficient income. Luckily, Cary Grant gets all worked up and somehow convinces the judge to let them keep her and make the adoption final. Six or seven happy years pass until in a very vague and sudden fashion, their daughter gets sick and dies. The next part of the movie is the part that resonated with me. Irene Dunne's character wrote to the orphanage lady, whom they had always kept in touch with, about how they suddenly seemed to be strangers and their relationship had very obviously fallen apart. I had a good long cry thinking about all the damage that loss does to a relationship when two people stop talking. At one point, Cary Grant leaves and says, "I'm not coming home. I don't want to see anyone and anything that reminds me." Oh man, do I know how that feels. Listening to love longs you once listened to while thinking of them, you now listen to in order to wallow. Check. Been there. They talk of feeling so alone, even in the same room and I remember that feeling all too well, of not being able to think straight, of regrets. The two of them happen to have a short talk as she is leaving for the train station and right before she turns to go, the phone rings. It's the lady from the adoption agency calling to tell them that she has a little boy that perfectly fits the description of what they had put down initially and that she wants them to come meet him. The movie ends with them on their way to get him and you assume they live happily ever after.

I don't want to do a single thing now. I should be doing laundry, dishes, and some sweeping and mopping, but all I want to do is sit here for a few hours. Maybe I will take a long, hot bath and that will somehow make me feel better. I feel like I need to do a better job of filtering the things I let myself see and read, but sometimes I just feel like ripping out the stitches every once in a while adds another layer of strength to the scar. This horrid weather isn't helping my mood at all! I am so tired of all this snow, ice, and cold. It was in the single digits all day long yesterday. I need some sunshine. It seems to have stopped snowing for the moment and I see some blue sky so maybe the sun will come out for a bit today and I can bundle up and take my dog for a walk.

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