Thursday, January 7, 2010

I've been thinking a lot about loss lately, trying to rationalize why certain things happen to certain people I guess. I volunteered to speak with a guy about why I read a certain person's blog so I figured I would write about it before I speak with him on the phone. I spend a lot of time reading through blogs from women who have also experienced pregnancy or infant loss and by reading their most intimate and painful emotions, I end up feeling like I really know them. I find myself just as invested in their lives as if they were one of my dearest friends. The loss community on MDC has also become like a second family to me, although frequently I wonder if any of them know it, since I feel like I post so infrequently.

It's like we all suddenly became part of club that no one ever wanted to be a member of. Before losing our little one, I had such a bright and shiny outlook when it came to pregnancy and birth. Miscarriage was one of those things that happened to other women, but could never happen to me. I grew up thinking that people got pregnant quickly, without much effort, and that very few people every had to experience the pain of losing a baby. I was a strong advocate for homebirths, even unassisted pregnancies and births (I had secretly hoped for my own one day) and it has taken a long time to get back to a place similar to that I was before. It's strange how few people talk about miscarriage and loss until you've experienced it yourself; people just slowly come out of the wood work with their own stories of pain.

I think loss has a different effect on each person it touches. Our loss made me question everything. We had been trying and hoping for 14 months by the time we finally saw two bright pink lines. I had morning sickness right away along with a slew of other normal, healthy symptoms, and never once suspected that anything could go wrong. Even when my symptoms started to taper off around 11 weeks, I just celebrated getting closer to the second trimester. It wasn't until I saw that bright red blood that I knew. Everyone around me told me to "relax", "sometimes bleeding is normal", etc... but I just knew that it was over. That next month feels like a blur to me. I shut down and shut everyone out. I thought constantly about ending my own life. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life after that. I had been passionately on my way towards becoming a midwife and didn't know if I'd ever be able to look at a pregnant woman the same way again. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to put myself out there again and give myself a chance to get pregnant again and then I panicked because I couldn't picture my life with Matt without children. Eventually, with a push from an ex-best-friend/boyfriend, I decided that I would be better off running away from it all. I wanted to be in a place where no one knew I had ever even been pregnant, or at least that's what I thought. Once I arrived here, all I wanted to do was tell every single person about the pain I was in. My body hadn't even finished healing and suddenly I'd lost everything familiar to me. My husband was in Prague, I had moved 4 hours away from all my family and friends, and no one could understand why I was so depressed. The six months that followed my miscarriage were a roller coaster. I separated and got back together with Matt multiple times, strung along the other guy the entire time, and bounced between four different homes. I have never felt so lost in my entire life and would give anything to be able to just erase that time from my life. I feel like I've come such a long way since then.

One of my absolute dearest friends, one my only friends in this area, gave birth in May of 2009, just a month after I should have welcomed my first child. When she gave birth and I held that sweet little boy when he was just a few hours old, it was very hard at first and I spent a lot of time grieving all over again, crying and wishing my baby were here to grow up with him. It was really through the re-opening of these wounds that I started to heal. It gave me a chance to really reflect on the time that had passed and all the things I'd accomplished that I wouldn't have if I'd become a mother in April.

I think about it every day but rarely give myself time to dwell on it so it was rather nice to let myself spend this time remembering.

Also, I am supposed to be in the South. Why in the world is it 5 degrees outside right now? Tomorrow is supposed to feel negative ARKANSAS! Hope everyone is staying warm.


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