Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My roller coaster week didn't end as I would have hoped, but it's for the best as far as timing goes. I have big dental work planned for March which will not only improve my self esteem immensely, but also my health.

We are being hit by a bunch of winter weather over the next 24 hours so I will try and write some more while I am snowed in. I don't really have the energy to write much tonight so instead I will share my favorite quote about love.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

I am so thankful for my amazing husband and for the fact that our roots have become so intertwined. I still remember the pain of being away from him and that makes me that much more appreciative to be his wife.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I've always hated roller coasters. I get coaxed into getting in line and by the time I get buckled into that seat, I am in tears. Around half way though my grip loosens just a little bit and by the time we've slowed to a stop, I've given in and I am ready to ride it again.

I am hating this current roller coaster. Thanks to some questionable tests I'm stuck in that clenched tight limbo. I want to have hope. I really do. It's just hard. I have to be so guarded. I can't let myself get hurt right now. I just can't take it. So I'm calling them pink evap lines. They've been happening with this test so we'll see.

I will probably lose my mind in a few days if I am stuck in this purgatory much longer.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

My husband is at a defensive driving class that he had to take because he got a speeding ticket so I've taken this opportunity to watch a movie I knew he wouldn't enjoy, although my burning red eyes make me regret it now. You probably shouldn't read this if you're as easily bummed out as I am.

I have always been a huge fan of Cary Grant. He just makes me weak in the knees. That's the reason I decided to watch this movie in the first place. The synopsis said something along the lines of a married couple, wildly in love, desperately wants to have a baby and then there is an earthquake and she loses the baby (which I thought sounded a bit absurd at first, like perhaps it was shaken out of her). It really has been a heartwarming movie though. And her loss is rather believable since she has a whole wall collapse on top of her. The next couple scenes made me so thankful that my loss happened in the 21st century, in the land of color. She was taken to a hospital where she had to recover on the maternity ward and her husband wasn't allowed to see her for days. In the scene where her husband finally gets to see her, you hear babies crying all around. I can't imagine having to recover from a miscarriage while in every room around you there are moms who got a baby in the end. As popular notion assumes, the characters decide the next step is adoption. They go in thinking they will get to come home with a two year old who looks just like what they want him to look like so it's sad to see her crushed when the lady tells her she'll probably have to wait at least a year. A few months later that lady actually comes and does a brief home study before telling them that she has a five week old little girl just for them. Cary Grant's character takes some talking into because she "is not a boy" but agrees to go "take a look at her". Needless to say, they take this sweet little baby girl home with them. The nurse lady gave them a schedule that they have posted on the wall and I laughed aloud when the new parents called it "the directions". I don't know if I have seen anything as adorable as Cary Grant as a terrified new dad. At one point when the baby is crying, he half screams at his wife to "do something! Can't you see the baby's suffering!" Another absolutely adorable moment comes when the wifey can't sleep and decides to bring the baby into their bed with her. Cary Grant's character wakes up a short while later and decides to go check on the baby in her room and then goes absolutely bananas when he can't find the baby. He starts screaming and says the baby has been kidnapped which makes the woman jump out of bed, which wakes the baby. I am just loving how real their fear is and how this baby is actually a baby. She is afraid to even bathe the baby for fear she'll drown her. It was nice to see cloth diapers in the movie, and how she struggled to figure out how to fold it and put it on. The burly business assistant, probably the last guy you'd expect to know anything about babies, ends up helping them bathe and diaper her. I think it probably most adequately and realistically displays the challenges of a newborn (as much as I know about it through friends, bleh). I actually thought that she was going to get taken away from them since Cary Grant lost his job, and after a year of raising their sweet little daughter, the judge starts talking about how it's policy to put them back in the orphanage if a family doesn't have a sufficient income. Luckily, Cary Grant gets all worked up and somehow convinces the judge to let them keep her and make the adoption final. Six or seven happy years pass until in a very vague and sudden fashion, their daughter gets sick and dies. The next part of the movie is the part that resonated with me. Irene Dunne's character wrote to the orphanage lady, whom they had always kept in touch with, about how they suddenly seemed to be strangers and their relationship had very obviously fallen apart. I had a good long cry thinking about all the damage that loss does to a relationship when two people stop talking. At one point, Cary Grant leaves and says, "I'm not coming home. I don't want to see anyone and anything that reminds me." Oh man, do I know how that feels. Listening to love longs you once listened to while thinking of them, you now listen to in order to wallow. Check. Been there. They talk of feeling so alone, even in the same room and I remember that feeling all too well, of not being able to think straight, of regrets. The two of them happen to have a short talk as she is leaving for the train station and right before she turns to go, the phone rings. It's the lady from the adoption agency calling to tell them that she has a little boy that perfectly fits the description of what they had put down initially and that she wants them to come meet him. The movie ends with them on their way to get him and you assume they live happily ever after.

I don't want to do a single thing now. I should be doing laundry, dishes, and some sweeping and mopping, but all I want to do is sit here for a few hours. Maybe I will take a long, hot bath and that will somehow make me feel better. I feel like I need to do a better job of filtering the things I let myself see and read, but sometimes I just feel like ripping out the stitches every once in a while adds another layer of strength to the scar. This horrid weather isn't helping my mood at all! I am so tired of all this snow, ice, and cold. It was in the single digits all day long yesterday. I need some sunshine. It seems to have stopped snowing for the moment and I see some blue sky so maybe the sun will come out for a bit today and I can bundle up and take my dog for a walk.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I've been thinking a lot about loss lately, trying to rationalize why certain things happen to certain people I guess. I volunteered to speak with a guy about why I read a certain person's blog so I figured I would write about it before I speak with him on the phone. I spend a lot of time reading through blogs from women who have also experienced pregnancy or infant loss and by reading their most intimate and painful emotions, I end up feeling like I really know them. I find myself just as invested in their lives as if they were one of my dearest friends. The loss community on MDC has also become like a second family to me, although frequently I wonder if any of them know it, since I feel like I post so infrequently.

It's like we all suddenly became part of club that no one ever wanted to be a member of. Before losing our little one, I had such a bright and shiny outlook when it came to pregnancy and birth. Miscarriage was one of those things that happened to other women, but could never happen to me. I grew up thinking that people got pregnant quickly, without much effort, and that very few people every had to experience the pain of losing a baby. I was a strong advocate for homebirths, even unassisted pregnancies and births (I had secretly hoped for my own one day) and it has taken a long time to get back to a place similar to that I was before. It's strange how few people talk about miscarriage and loss until you've experienced it yourself; people just slowly come out of the wood work with their own stories of pain.

I think loss has a different effect on each person it touches. Our loss made me question everything. We had been trying and hoping for 14 months by the time we finally saw two bright pink lines. I had morning sickness right away along with a slew of other normal, healthy symptoms, and never once suspected that anything could go wrong. Even when my symptoms started to taper off around 11 weeks, I just celebrated getting closer to the second trimester. It wasn't until I saw that bright red blood that I knew. Everyone around me told me to "relax", "sometimes bleeding is normal", etc... but I just knew that it was over. That next month feels like a blur to me. I shut down and shut everyone out. I thought constantly about ending my own life. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life after that. I had been passionately on my way towards becoming a midwife and didn't know if I'd ever be able to look at a pregnant woman the same way again. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to put myself out there again and give myself a chance to get pregnant again and then I panicked because I couldn't picture my life with Matt without children. Eventually, with a push from an ex-best-friend/boyfriend, I decided that I would be better off running away from it all. I wanted to be in a place where no one knew I had ever even been pregnant, or at least that's what I thought. Once I arrived here, all I wanted to do was tell every single person about the pain I was in. My body hadn't even finished healing and suddenly I'd lost everything familiar to me. My husband was in Prague, I had moved 4 hours away from all my family and friends, and no one could understand why I was so depressed. The six months that followed my miscarriage were a roller coaster. I separated and got back together with Matt multiple times, strung along the other guy the entire time, and bounced between four different homes. I have never felt so lost in my entire life and would give anything to be able to just erase that time from my life. I feel like I've come such a long way since then.

One of my absolute dearest friends, one my only friends in this area, gave birth in May of 2009, just a month after I should have welcomed my first child. When she gave birth and I held that sweet little boy when he was just a few hours old, it was very hard at first and I spent a lot of time grieving all over again, crying and wishing my baby were here to grow up with him. It was really through the re-opening of these wounds that I started to heal. It gave me a chance to really reflect on the time that had passed and all the things I'd accomplished that I wouldn't have if I'd become a mother in April.

I think about it every day but rarely give myself time to dwell on it so it was rather nice to let myself spend this time remembering.

Also, I am supposed to be in the South. Why in the world is it 5 degrees outside right now? Tomorrow is supposed to feel negative 15...in ARKANSAS! Hope everyone is staying warm.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

For Christmas, I bought Matt's best friend, Eric, a bus ticket from Conway to Rogers. Matt had absolutely no idea that he was coming and had totally failed to notice that I had finally got the guest room put together. Eric arrived Monday night while Matt was at work and so we surprised him at Barnes and Noble. Since there was so much snow, he got to close three hours early which was nice. After I bought the ticket, I told Matt he had to ask off for January 5th, 6th, and 7th but wouldn't tell him why. I kept teasing that I had bought a mail order bride. He was thrilled to see his friend and even happier to learn he got to spend all week with him. They have been watching movies, drinking, and playing video games; they've basically just been having lots of guy time.

The roads here are cleared and sandy but everything else is still covered in snow. Right as the sun went down, it started to mist here which was just enough to cover the roads in a nice sheet of ice for the evening. It's supposed to be yet another cold day here tomorrow as well.

I will actually get a chance to obsess this month in the hopes of starting the new year with two bright pink lines. Normally, we do a pretty good job of preventing but this month is was a very intentional decision. I just like getting to hold onto that little bit of hope since I don't get to every month. I don't know what I would do without MDC!!!

Also, I am very excited at the possibility of meeting real life friends in the Northwest Arkansas area who are like minded on natural parenting and natural childbirth. I might even get one of my doula certification births out of it if she ends up conceiving soon. I just want to maybe have a new friend!

I better get some sleep so I have the energy to chase a toddler around all day tomorrow. Hopefully we won't get any more snow and we can play outside for a bit longer than we got to on Tuesday.

What are some ways that you have met friends if you've ever had to move to a new place?

People and Organizations I like

 
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