Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Well, I'm still not totally convinced we made the right decision. I'm actually racked with regret thinking we've somehow upset the balance in our house now that we're outnumbered by animals. This new puppy is crazy feisty and even though she's a fourth of the size of Cordi (our 8 month old Border Collie), I still worry that the new puppy is being too rough with her. The mom is a pit bull, the dad might possibly be some sort of Shepard mix. She definitely has a pit head but then you look at the coloring on her tail and it's definitely like a Shepard. The people who own the actually painted this poor puppy BLUE!!!!! so that she could be in their "weddin'". I so wish I were kidding, but that's Arkansas for you. I think that's a big reason why Matt didn't just go and look, but ended up coming home with her. We couldn't leave her with the hill folk who think painting dogs as accessories is a fun pastime.  Right now we have her sharing Cordi's crate but I know that won't last long, even though I have no idea where we'll put another crate unless we stack them which will make our room even more unpleasant and cramped. They may get moved into our guest room once we're done having company this week. The new puppy doesn't have a name yet but we've got a few contenders. I'd love some feedback from my followers! What do you think she looks like? Boomer? Starbuck? Buffy? Willow? Bazinga!?

I still can't get over this sickness and now seem to be constantly hacking up a lung. Despite feeling like death ran over, I took the ninja.toddler bowling which was a blast! At one point when I was coughing he looked at me and said, "oh no! cough? you ok. you tough," which just cracked me up and made me cough even more. He had a great time although he would have had more fun if every time was his turn. He's just getting so expressive and verbal and I love every bit of it. I always call him a turkey when he takes his shoes off in the car, and now his favorite thing to do is to take his shoes off and immediately start going "gobble gobble." I really just love this kid if you can't tell! (and I really hate this freaking cold!)

I am looking forward to temps in the high 60s tomorrow which hopefully means a trip to the park to tide us over until spring. I don't work until the afternoon so I'm hoping to get a lot of puppy playtime in as well. I absolutely can't wait for Friday! Not only do I have the whole day off so I can procrastinate on my cleaning, but Matt's friends from North Carolina are coming back through on their way home to stay with us another night. I am so very excited for them to get to visit again and it will be nice to ring in the new year with them too although I'm sure it will be very low key since they'll be arriving after 10+ hours of driving and have another 17 hours of driving when they leave the next day.

Also, half way through the 2ww and I'm so bored. Not even tender tatas, which of course I'll obsess about since I always have them by now.  Now let's just see if I can make it til next week before I test and kill the bits of hope that I have right now. Matt and I joked last night after he brought home that crazy puppy that surely this will mean I'm pregnant now right. We let the joke go on and on listing all the things we should just go ahead and do: move into a studio apartment, get another cat, sell both our cars and buy 2 motorcycles/scooters, decide to focus on all the things we could do if we have a child-less life, etc. It was fun and depressing all rolled in one. Do you ever do things like that to try and find ways to jynx yourself in the right direction while trying to convince the universe (and yourself) that it's what you want/need?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I am having one of those night where I am very aware of how similar my mother and I am. Not just in our rapid mood swings, smart ass comments, and even a few similar interests, but in the person I am growing up to be. When I was a child, I often chastised my mother because of the crazy things she did like raise and kill our own chickens, turkeys, and even once, a cow when it froze to death one winter. She always tried to have a garden too. I made fun of the way she tried to conserve things and reuse them when possible. I was especially embarrassed when she would dumpster dive for produce and other goods behind the grocery store which she would use to feed her array of animals. My mom even drove us into town in a horse drawn buggy from time to time when we missed the bus after she lost her license due to seizures. As a kid, all of these things were super embarrassing but now, these have all become things that interest me. I have slowly become this crunchy hippie chick who would love to have a homestead and live with less impact on this planet. Granted, I like to think I won't become a hoarder like she is (both stuff and animals at this point), but every passing year just seems to bring out more and more similarities. My teenage self would just cringe right now if she saw me.

I am very super excited about the new recycling can that the city has handed out to everyone. It's a lot more space than we had before and it doesn't have to be sorted!!!! I've already got a bunch of stuff in it even though I can't put it out until next week. We're also going through our closets and giving everything we don't wear to the local charity thrift shop down the street. I've also decided to try and figure out a way to start making our own soap. Matt habitually washes his hands and I am still amazed at the amount of soap I end up buying. We're putting a home-made dam in our toilet as well to use less water since the majority of our water bill every month is considered "sewer" water. That includes water from our washer and shower as well but we can't really cut back on those any more than we already do. Matt already says I'm too much of a hippie and that I should shower more often, but I just don't sweat like he does. I'm always looking for new ways to cut back on my spending too so one of my new goals for this next year is to try and keep a list of things that are cheaper to buy at Harps, Wal.mart, or Aldi's that way I'm not wasting time driving to all of them before deciding where to save a few cents.

The hubz is out looking at a new puppy prospect at the moment so tomorrow's post may include a new addition to our family, but I swear, I'm not becoming a hoarder. Right as Matt got up to leave he said, "I seriously gotta get you knocked up somehow or we're gonna end up with a farm." He was just joking but I'm sure hoping it doesn't happen like that. Lots of cramps this month even though I'm a week away from testing. Ugh, this stupid body of mine.

Monday, December 27, 2010

I am going to brag! I am an Iron Commenter! That means that over the past 6 days I have commented on 135 blogs. It's been a ton of fun and I've come across so many amazing ladies! I'm already looking forward to doing this again next month (although since it comes during the first week of the semester, I'm sure it'll be enough of a struggle to just keep my head above the water participating).

And now that I'm already done, I can use my day off tomorrow to clean, do laundry (with my fun, new dryer!), and play with my puppy before Matt gets home and we head off for friends and free dinner. It's only free because that's what Dixie gives out as their "Christmas bonus". It's four dinners, four drinks, and four desserts free which is nice because we always treat our friends or family. I'm thankful for it, but not quite as thankful as I am for my Christmas bonus from my nanny job which was wayyyy better (and allows me the chance to fix my car soon).

Various ideas for upcoming posts include: "We're crazy and want to add another animal to the mix", "new years resolutions are lame and cliche but jeeeeesus do I need to lose some weight", and "things we're gonna do in 2011 to be better to our Earth." What would you prefer to read next?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I worked way harder at Dixie today than I had planned on having to. We were two people short, only had one (half-zombie) host, and lots of chaos. After almost $800 in sales, I was very ready to go home. So I did some grocery shopping first for the week while I was out and have been sitting on my couch ever since (even though I know I should be doing some laundry so I have clean clothes for the week).

I've been doing some crazy amounts of commenting these past few days and only have 8 more blogs to go in order to make Iron Commenter this month which I'm pretty excited about since it's my first ICLW. I know I'll be really looking forward to this time of month from here on out.

10 days til a new cycle wipes the 2010 slate clean (or maybe not).

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Matt and I slept in this morning and then opened the gifts his parents sent us. I got some socks, some necklaces, and some smell good things. I got Matt some vintage movie posters (although some of them haven't come in the mail yet) as well as a new sweater and a dvd with 25 different westerns on it. Matt got me the entire Angel, Buffy, and Firefly comic book series as well as a book called The Wet Nurse's Tale which I'm super excited to read. My friend, S, and I  had plans to go grocery shopping last night to get supplies for a Christmas dinner but when we arrived at our S's home, her baby was napping and we had to wait on him to wake up before we could go. By the time we got around to leaving, every single place was closed except Walgreens. We had then decided we'd just make a breakfast for Christmas thing since we realized we could pull that together without the grocery store. By this morning, we decided we'd go one step farther and go to IHOP for a Christmas brunch since we found out they'd be open. It was a very unconventional Christmas but we enjoyed ourselves and the company. She always apologizes for being "boring" but we like going over there since we are just as boring too. Besides, I love her kid a whole bunch. He's super cute and seems to think I'm funny so we get along swimmingly. I'm thankful to have reconnected with her and to have more friends in this area. So we went out to lunch and then hung out for a few hours afterwards. Here's some pictures of her lovely home and bright blue tree. I like the reflection of the fire in the window. It was the perfect day for the fireplace, even if it is the only day of the year it gets used.


I got an amazing $300 Christmas bonus from my Jewish nanny employers. They're pretty amazing and I couldn't have possibly found a better family to work for! I am always blown away by their kindness and generosity. I hope that I'm able to keep in touch with them and watch David grow into the incredible young man I know he'll be.

It's still snowing, just flurries really, but it's not sticking. It's just been enough to leave little bits behind. Maybe it will be even more apparent in the morning as I go into work. My day of waiting tables makes me all the more thankful for my awesome nanny employers and my sweet little toddlerninja!

Hope everyone had a great Christmas today!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Welcome ICLW-ers!!! For a brief synopsis of what this mess is about, see the ICLW post from Tuesday.

I have such great friends. They support me even if they might not agree it's the best decision. They love me even when I've got my cranky pants on. They're always there when I need to vent. And today, one of them bought me and a dryer as a Christmas present! We've been without a dryer for a little over a month now. We've just been washing clothes and then hanging them up all over the house to dry. We have an old house that has one of those ugly wall heaters and it has worked out really well to just hang clothes over that and turn the heat on when we need something dry quickly. It hasn't really been that big of an inconvenience although we've been wearing pants a few times before washing them and the laundry does seem to pile up a lot quicker. It just seemed like every time we had the money to do it, we wouldn't be able to find one worth it, or we wouldn't be able to find a truck to borrow to get it to our house. I'm soooo looking forward to fluffy towels again though since the air-dried ones are really crunchy. I am just so thankful for the wonderful people that fill my life.

I am also excited about finally making our Christmas ornament for this year. It will say "When the world says "give up", hope whispers "try it one more time."" Now if I can just manage to find my hot glue gun! Have a great Thursday!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

We had a great night at a friends' house tonight visiting and letting our dog play with theirs. Tomorrow will be a nice, relaxing night in since we've gone out every night this week so far. And then Friday is back to Fayetteville for grocery shopping for dinner Saturday. I thought that my break from school would feel more like a break. At least I can't say I've been bored at all. .
I am exhausted already today. Two hours at Jump Zone really took it out of me and we'll be going back whenever the ninjatoddler wakes up from his nap. I was told that I was "the queen of the Nemo jump" by an adorable little girl and since most parents go there in order to let their kids be crazy with minimal supervision, I was like everyone's nanny. I've hugged and comforted a bunch of strangers' children today. I always hear from other's how great I am with kids (babies in particular) but I sometimes forget that not every one has this natural talent for dealing with kids. It seems like kids see this too and so I felt like they all just flocked to me when they got hurt today. It was pretty cute. I also got to cuddle my friends' sweet little one again last night and she jokingly said I should come move in with them haha. It's a nice self esteem boost sometimes when I realise that I do have this knack for comforting and quieting little ones.

We'll be joining that friend for Christmas dinner and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm glad it won't be just the two of us sitting at home moping since we aren't going home to see family this Christmas. I work the day before and the day after so it just wouldn't be worth it to drive down to central Arkansas since we'd have to turn right back around and head back. We're not sure yet what we're going to cook (and we'll probably figure it out at the last minute) but I'm sure it will be good times.

And yay for my properly working body. I have been reading all these new blogs from ICLW and seeing so many women with ovulation/ regularity issues and it has just made me feel so lucky to have regular cycles. I am even more thankful that I ovulate every single month without fail, even if it is about a week later than what most people consider "normal". I finally got a positive OPK  last night (cd20) and an even more positive one this morning. I'll test again when I get home tonight and see if my LH is still surging. I felt like I had some O pains yesterday so it would make sense that it will probably happen today. It will be fun to know we really stand a shot this month even if it would mean a baby in the middle of my 3rd semester of nursing school. I like to think they'd bend the rules for me since I know it's been done in the past, but at this point, there are very few things I wouldn't sacrifice to become a mother. So as of now, it looks like I'll be testing during the first week of the year, and what a wonderful start to the year that would be!!!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

It's IComLeavWe week!!! Which for me means lots of commenting to keep up! This is my first time participating and I'm really looking forward to all the new blogs I'm stumbling upon. For all the ICLW folks, here's a little bit about me. I'm 23, my hubby is 24, we've been married and ttc since May 2007. After 14 months, we finally managed to get pregnant only to lose that baby at 12 weeks in September 2008. My husband and I split up that following November and didn't reconcile until June 2009. We've been trying again since then. I have really crappy insurance that doesn't cover anything infertility related so right now all we have under our belt is two failed Clomid cycles and hope that a miracle will happen some day. I am currently in nursing school and will graduate in May 2012. I talk a lot about the stress of school here too, but as many of my fellow infertiles know, after it's been this long, no event can really get in the way or make you stop trying. I plan on eventually becoming a nurse midwife and would love to spend the rest of my existence on this planet improving the maternity care system here in our country while serving women in their homes. I'm not religious and have a potty mouth from time to time too. I think that gives you a pretty good idea what to expect.

Sorry I failed at DPP for the past two days but I've just had other things fill my mind. Matt forgot all the paperwork I needed at home so my appointment was cancelled again. I don't even know if I'll find the courage to reschedule since it took so much for me to actually call the place and get an appointment to begin with. I had a small emotional breakdown in the parking lot and I am super disappointed but by now, I'm used to that feeling. Luckily, my boss from my nanny job brought us back amazing BBQ from Jack Stack in Kansas City which was just the treat we needed after a disappointing day like that. We also got to go spend some time in Fayetteville seeing friends and I got to love on a sweet baby boy who thinks my face is just the funniest thing ever which boosted my spirit in a way only baby love can. I may go back down there today for some more love when I get off work.

I watched Black Swan last night and absolutely loved it. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have a racy sex scene in it, but I don't think it was anywhere near as graphic as critics would have you believe. It definitely deserves it's R rating. I enjoyed their fantasy make-out session a little more than I probably should but wow, it was just so hot. The close up on the top of Mila Kunis' head as she goes down on Natalie Portman seemed like a bit much to me since we all could have just watched Portman's face to see what was going on. Hubby says he thought her wiping her mouth afterwards was the most graphic, but I hardly even noticed that part. I definitely recommend seeing it, although, I'm still partial to The Red Shoes which seemed more suspenseful to me.

 I am really sad that despite sending my ornaments two weeks ago for the remembering together swaps I joined this year, I had yet to receive either of the return ornaments. I was really looking forward to seeing our loss remembered on our tree but it's not looking like I'll get to. I wish there was some way to publicly shame the people who received their ornaments but didn't send any out. Why join a SWAP if you're not going to participate?

And I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet ninjatoddler. He loves lemons and was very happy to stick his whole hand down in my water to fish it out so he could try and eat it. I love this sweet boy (and his crazy hair!)

Monday, December 20, 2010

I was so exhausted yesterday after leaving Dixie that I just came home, changed into pjs and crashed on the couch. Sorry for the lack of DPP posting. I'll make up for it today by posting two pictures later. It's a 42 hour work week for me which is about twice as much as usual (while in school) so I'll have plenty of opportunity for pictures with my sweet toddlerninja. I also already have homework (well, reading) for next semester! I got an email with like 15 chapters that need to be read before the first week of class as well as a bunch of lab values and abbreviations to memorize. And here I thought that I was getting a break from school.

Today at 4:30 is my appointment with the holistic fertility doctor which will be made more interesting by the fact that I will have the ninja with me. I am still crazy nervous but somewhere inside me there is this little thread of hope that not only will they be able to point us on the right path or provide some additional tests we haven't pursued yet, but that we'll actually be able to afford it as well. Now that my blog is getting viewed a lot more, I kinda feel weird about sharing our infertility journey but that's the reason I started this blog to begin with. I'll keep chronicling our path towards parenthood and the aftermath left behind from loss. I may have to add a guide through all the abbreviations I use here though for all you non-baby-making experts haha.

I assure you there will be an update this evening (with pictures!)

Friday, December 17, 2010

We said goodbye to friends this morning, sending them on their way with a few frozen bagels and some bear hugs. I'm already very excited for them to stay with us on their way back home to North Carolina. We are definitely planning on going to visit them in the next year. It made me just that much more thankful for how far Matt and I have come since he lived with them in Prague. I was proud to show off our love, even if I did feel like on some level I was trying to prove my love to them. I just want them to know as much as I do that this entire journey was worth it for the love that we share.

This is a lovely little wooden sign type thing that I found tonight while shopping for my secret santa gift for Dixie tomorrow. It is now sitting on top of our television to remind us daily that marriage is an art and help us work daily towards making ours even better!
My house is the cleanest it has been since we moved in. It made me realise that I absolutely love getting ready for company, but not anywhere near as much as I love actually having company. It's the same lovely feeling that I get when I think about how nice it would be to live communally. If I thought we could find someone we actually would mesh with, I would have a room mate again. It's not like it seems like we'll be using that guest bedroom for anything else any time soon. Our guests are on a cross country road trip from North Carolina to California. They arrived around 8 and we headed to an amazing restaurant in Fa.yetteville called Grille where everything is grown (or raised) locally and organically. They always have amazing food (and beer and wine) and I couldn't say enough good things about them. They even have a garden on site that I pull things from as well. Our guests are vegetarians and they offer a lot of vegetarian options so we knew it would be a safe bet (and the loved it!)

And now for pictures (maybe pictures of guests will come later.)

My lovely hubby playing his guitar to entertain me while our guests got ready for bed.
And a picture of me with my hair all curly. I would curl it more often but it just takes soooo very long.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Although I still have a bunch to do in the morning before their arrival, we're that much closer to being ready for company. I do wish they were staying longer but I'm hoping they will be able to on their way back. I am so very excited! And also, I can not believe how lazy I have been this week, and how that lazy has fed depression which leads to more laziness. I woke up today with a bunch of gunk in my head and chest and now my body is starting to ache. I am hoping I feel better by morning but for now, I'm thinking of heading to bed early.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I spent the day cleaning like crazy on my hands and knees with a scrubby and it definitely paid off. I've known for a while that mopping my kitchen floor had stopped doing any good since the gunk just kept building up and up, but I never realised how white my floor could actually be! Now to actually clean my guest room so that we can have company Friday night. I am super excited to meet Matt's friends!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

I can't believe I'm sharing a picture of my messy guest room. My car was making such awful noises this morning that I was afraid to drive it. That meant postponing my fertility appointment until next Monday. I was super bummed, came back inside and changed into my pjs, made myself some chai tea, and watched a few episodes of Buffy. What I should have done was pour myself into cleaning since I'll be having company in a few days but it was nice to just slump around lazily. We finished the night watching the Dexter finale from last night at a friend's house with pizza and good conversation. Tomorrow I'll be more productive....or so I say tonight.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

This is all the proof I had that it snowed at all last night. Tomorrow's high is 27. I'm super nervous about my doctor's appointment tomorrow but hopeful that I will get some sort of direction for what we're doing right now on the ttc front.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We all stayed cuddled inside all night while listening to the 25+mph winds outside. Brrr! The next two days are not supposed to even reach 30 and it said it should feel like it's -7! I have work in the morning and then my doctors appointment Monday at noon but other than that, I don't plan on leaving my house!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Two hours at Jump Zone (which is a huge indoor space with different inflatables) wore me out today.  I was glad to spend some time having fun with him since they'll be gone to Florida for the next week and I will miss him like crazy! And I wasn't even home for 5 minutes before we left to go to Fayetteville. Matt actually go along with one of my friend's boyfriends. It was like being in some parallel universe. If only things went that well all the time (although I guess I'm 2 for 2 out of the past few friends I've introduced him too so I have to give him some credit.) It was an exhausting but great day.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I am pretending like I posted this last night like I had planned! (oops!)

Today was lovely. A nice, relaxing day without a single nursing school obligation! I did a bunch of laundry and then headed off to work to love on my sweet toddlerninja.

And I leave you with a winter view.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I made a 90 on my final today and can't wait for the quick 30 minute test in the morning (that means nothing when it comes to my grade but is still mandatory) so that I can say that my vacation has truly started. It will be filled with lots of nanny work but that's not really work to me since I enjoy it so very much. Excited about my doctor's appointment Monday!

And now, a picture of my silly dog who likes to people watch just as much as I do and always sits in the window when kids get off the school bus in the afternoons.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My poem was featured on Still Life 365 today. "Still life 365 is a unique art project for, about and by mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. still life 365 posts a piece of art every day by a poet, artist, photographer, crafter, musician, collagist, paper artist, filmmaker, painter, sculptor, fabric artist and ordinary person exploring grief through creativity. each piece is an expression of grief, survival, sadness, love and hope. still life 365 is intended to be a safe space for creative expression. still life 365 is open to anyone affected by pregnancy loss not simply parents." It makes me look forward to this semester being over and the possibly for time to just sit and write. For some reason I can write poems that I feel like express my emotions far more than just prose. It's like no amount of blog writing feels more therapeutic that getting done with a poem. Only two more days until I am totally done for a month!!!

I started out my day with this:
 And spent the rest of my day with these (which I am trying to hide from now but must get back to):

And so you get two pictures today. And I'm a third done with this photo challenge!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sunday, December 5, 2010

This totally summarises my life right now. I procrastinated and now have to rush, rush, rush to get this clinical presentation ready for tomorrow while trying to fit in some time for my hubby (which the T-bone reminds me of....see story below), and watch our favourite tv shows (oh how I wish Battlestar were still around to comfort me). 

As for the stuffed T-bone, when Matt and I were still just friends he had this horrible summer job at the little supermarket in Bald Knob in the meat department. We would talk to each other on the phone (almost every night) and I'd listen to him talk about how horrible it was. Since I've always enjoyed actual snail mail letters, I decided I would write Matt a cute little letter and I drew a big cartoon T-bone steak at the top of the page. I was totally flirting with him all the time by this point but he always figured it was some kind of fluke. He claims it wasn't until this letter that he felt sure I really liked him so it's always had this silly importance to our relationship. And for our 3 year dating anniversary last year, I bought him this silly gift to remind us of the very beginning, of our origin. And now it sits happily on my old school Battlestar Gallactica lunch-box on the bookshelf next to my desk to give me little butterflies when all the nursing school books are weighing down on me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Anyone who knows us knows we are the least religious people around which made my nanny gig at my boss's Hanukkah party all the more awkward. Matt and I were about 10-15 years younger than everyone there but the kids and tried to retreat to David's bedroom full of cars, trains, and toddlers. I had a long, lovely discussion with a woman who just adopted the most adorable little boy out of foster care and had tons of encouragement. We ate amazing food (latkes, brisket, brownies) and we are both exhausted. Here is a lovely snippet of what the night full of children looked like as they dog-piled each other on the floor (which is way better than the last dinner party where they just tackled me all evening).

Friday, December 3, 2010

I had a fun night tonight full of good friends, yummy mexican food, and intoxication to just the right level. As Matt would put it, I "put my sassy pants on tonight" and had fun trying to annoy him. That's how I got this face out of him. It's so cute since he's such a softy, but our empty threats of physical violence amuse us both.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I joined two different holiday ornament swaps this year to connect with other women who have lost babies as well. It's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in my grief. After two trips to Hobby Lobby I was finally prepared to create the ornaments I'll be sending out. One of them goes right here in Arkansas and the other one goes all the way to Alberta, Canada. I'm super excited to get my two new ornaments to hang on our tree too and can't wait to see my sweet little one remembered.

Also, got my appointment at the holistic infertility Dec. 13th. I've started filling out the new patient paper work and it almost gives me butterflies out of excitement (those are actually most likely my lovely drug dulled cramps, yay). Also, once again Matt is promising to quit smoking, so we'll see how that goes.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My puppy (Cordi) was not very happy with the hat I got for her, but I managed to keep it on just long enough to snap a picture before she shook it off. She may be cute but man is she a mess!

I woke up early to cram last minute for my test today and found a quote in my textbook that I really enjoyed. "Hope must be as that way it is different from optimism or wishful thinking. When we have hope, we discover powers within ourselves we may have never known-- the power to make sacrifices, to endure, to heal, and to love. Once we choose hope, everything is possible." I let this quote fill my mind today because lately, it has been really easy to let myself slip into hopelessness. I need some cure for the stagnation I feel on this journey towards becoming a mother. And who knows, I may already be one step closer.

Pretty sure the wicked witch will be here in the morning and it just so happened that today while I was in the waiting room at the dentist flipping through a local magazine, I found an ad for a brand new holistic based fertility clinic right here in my town. They offer a full hormone panel and other blood tests relating to fertility as well as offer acupuncture and chiropractic care geared towards increasing fertility. I went to set up an appointment on their website as soon as I got home and hopefully I'll get a call sometime this week and the appt. will be sometime within the next two weeks. It may amount to nothing. It may be something I like but just can't afford right now. It may end up being just what I need. Either way, I have hope right now that we are headed in a forward motion.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

December Photo Project

First, I can't believe that it's almost December. I mean, I have my tree up and "Season's Greetings" hung on my door, but really, where has 2010 gone? I'm 1 clinical day, a test, and a final away from being a fourth of the way done with nursing school. I've definitely had to push myself a lot more than I expected to get through it so far, but I get more confident every day that I really am headed in the right direction towards fulfilling my dreams of serving women as a midwife.

And about the big banner at the beginning of this post (and the smaller one on the side bar), I stumbled across this through a blog that I follow and just loved the idea! I find it hard to devote time every day to write a blog post and this will be a nice challenge to at least post one thing a day, even if it is just a picture. I thought I was going to do a Wordless Wednesday post every week a few months ago but never stuck with it. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time.

So here's to a picture a day for 25 days. And back to studying for this huge test tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not a single lecture day left this semester. If I can just get through this next test and the final, along with 3 clinical days (after today), I will be A FOURTH OF THE WAY DONE!!!!! I just might make it through with an A even, especially if I rocked the 25 page major care plan which counts for 6% of my entire grade. I stayed up until 3:30 in the morning yesterday finishing it only to go to print it out and have the format totally go bonkers! It went from being 25 pages to 145! I had a mini-breakdown but managed to fix it just in time.

I am so ready for a couple days off but I desperately wish I could just stay home and clean instead of travelling home. It's probably sad that I am looking forward to a few days of deep cleaning during the week I'm on vacation from my nanny job next month but I really am. My house has been neglected just like every thing else in my life this past semester. The door to our guest room fell off the hinges about a month ago and still sits leaning up against the wall, only half connected. Not to mention that my guest bed is covered in clean clothes that have never made it to a hanger. We won't even talk about my bathroom. But I just feel the need to super clean everything in the hopes that we'll have some visitors next month.

I take surveys online for money and the one from last week made me want to throw my computer! It started out with a nice big "are you pregnant?" followed by "do you plan on becoming pregnant?" and "when do you plan on becoming pregnant?" which had some lovely time frames to choose from. I told Matt I was just going to check 6 months to a year and that meant that it would be so. (don't you just love my logic?) If only that place knew that it just doesn't always go as planned.

Busy day today of nanny-ing, then the dentist, court for CASA (court appointed special advocates for children in foster care), then showing up to clinicals two hours late. All I want to do is go back to sleep for a few hours but it's just never in the cards so off I go!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This month's blog writing challenge for Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is to discuss any "blessings in disguise" that came from your loss. There is the old cliche' that every cloud has a silver lining, and loss really is no different, although it took me a long time to be able to see anything other than pain and despair from the whole situation.

My marriage fell apart in the weeks and months right after my miscarriage. I'm not sure if I've ever discussed candidly here what actually happened so here it goes in the most condensed way possible. Those weeks after my miscarriage were the darkest I've ever seen. I was in a very vulnerable grieving state where I thought daily of ending my own life. I've never felt so lost in my life and that's when my ex-first love, A, randomly contacted me with a friendly, "How's married life?" kind of message. If he had sent this message even a few weeks previously, I would have gushed about how happy I was, how much we were looking forward to being parents, and how much I was looking forward to the future. Instead, I talked about how unhappy I was, how much I thought of suicide, how much I just hurt. I had attempted to be friends with A earlier in mine and Matt's relationship and it did not go well. Matt could see then that feelings still laid in wait and made me promise to cut all ties. This meant that the whole exchange we had started having had to stay hidden, which in all honesty, made it more appealing. I'm a bad liar and Matt knew something was up. In what seems like just a few days in my mind, I'd been sucked into this fantasy life I had convinced myself awaited me in Northwest Arkansas with A. I was in this state of mind where I felt like I could reason out anything. And this loss was supposed to be some catalyst for change in my life right? Maybe that was the universe telling me that my husband and I just weren't meant to be? I told myself that I definitely didn't want to even think about ever getting pregnant again, didn't want to think about a childless marriage, and I just wanted to get away from anyone who even knew I had been pregnant (what an awful idea!). My miscarriage was September 19th and by the first week in November, Matt was living in Prague and I moved to Northwest Arkansas. We spent the next 7 months torturing each other and attempting to reconcile multiple times before we were actually successful in June 2009.

I know you're wondering, where is the good supposed to be in this? It took me a long time to be able to see it too. Well, in my mind, there are quite a few good things that came out of our loss and subsequent separation. Matt got a European vacation that he would have never had otherwise (yeah, he was miserable most of the time, but at least he got to be miserable in a beautiful city. I was miserable here.). I finally started back to school that Spring semester on a path towards fulfilling my career dreams. And most importantly, at least for our marriage, I finally had a chance to put feelings for A behind me. We had to work through so much just to get back together and I try to remind myself frequently how lucky we are to have the second chance we worked so hard for. I think our marriage is stronger because of it and most days, I feel like we could weather anything the world throws our way. I also know that once I become a midwife, I will have patients who are forced to endure loss as well. It brings me more comfort than anything else to know that when I say, "I know how you feel and I know how much this effing sucks", I will truly mean it. Not that when someone who hasn't experienced it doesn't mean it when they say they're sorry, but it just never held the same weight for me. I know it brought me so much comfort when it was all so raw to have the support of women who had actually been through the same thing. I'm actually hoping to find time sometime this summer to actually finish my doula certification so that I can volunteer with the Amethyst organization that provides free doula services for women going through a miscarriage so that I can really feel like I'm doing my part.

I'll always wish it had never happened and that instead of writing this blog post while at my nanny job in Northwest Arkansas, we were back in Searcy chasing our own rambunctious toddler around, but we have to play the hand we're dealt (since I'm busting out the cliche's today) and I like to think we're making the most of it.

And now for a walk around the block with my replacement toddler and then off to clinicals. Also, I have an 89 in nursing school right now which I am pretty proud of!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yesterday after I got finished with school I wrote Matt an insanely long email in reply to his email (this is how we communicate when it's too hard to talk). I poured out my love for him (and frustration). I told him how much it hurts me that at the slightest hurdle, his first idea is to leave. We've worked so hard to get this far and I can't imagine giving in now. I was 100% honest with everything I've been feeling and internalizing lately. It gave us an opportunity to have a real talk about what we both need to be happy. We've got a long way to go and a lot more talking to do, but we're definitely on the right path. We have such a special love and I'm not saying that any marriage is a walk in the park every day forever and always, but when you throw both our mental health issues into the mix, it just makes it that much more difficult to keep a healthy marriage going.

I often wonder how different our story would be if I had gotten pregnant right away after we got married. I just hate how much infertility has affected our relationship. It had already started to take it's toll in those 14 months before my miscarriage and the 17 months we've been back together have been no easier. I'm not even talking about how my miscarriage made me lose my mind and run away Anyone who has ever actually ttc knows how incredibly un-sexy it can be to have timed sex. It has had a weird strain on our relationship because it has made Matt feel used from time to time, most especially those crazy busy months where I seemed to only make time for sexual intimacy when I knew it was baby-making time. And even though I've stopped charting for the most part, don't temp anymore, don't take any extra drugs, or put much effort at all into ttc, his brain is still stuck in that mindset. School and work has me so busy and exhausted that most nights, by the time I get in bed, I am out in minutes and that last thing on my mind is sex, leaving Matt feeling neglected and unloved. This means when we actually do make love, he gets really insecure thinking I must have ulterior motives (like a baby) and it totally kills the mood. What he doesn't realize is that I've absolutely given up on us ever conceiving naturally. I'm not saying I don't still obsess when I know we've had decent timing, but it's not generally something that crosses my mind in the heat of the moment anymore. Explaining that to him felt nice. I am hoping that reiterating that I don't just want a baby, I want HIS babies and reminding him that if that was truly ALL I wanted was a baby, I would have given up on us long ago and figured out how to have a kid on my own, might have brought a little bit of peace of mind to this certain insecurity.

Like I said, this is only the beginning. I think it can only get better from here. Now for some cuddling on the couch while we watch Bill Mahr and Matt recovers from the 4 times in a row the dog just jumped on his juevos hahaha.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blog Button NBF

Aly over at Infertility Overachievers is featuring me today on her New Blog Friday! So here's a big hello to everyone making their way over from Aly's amazing blog. You already know a little bit about me and my blog and I'd hate to be repetitive so instead I'll tell you a little bit about the present day.

I am almost done with my first semester of nursing school, meaning I am almost a fourth of the way done. I had a ton of doubts in the first few weeks as to this being my path and if I hadn't been so financially invested, I might not have stuck it out. See, my brain works on this all natural, hippie frequency and that just hasn't meshed well with Western medicine in the past. There are still days where I have to just bite my tongue and compromise a little bit of my soul to get through the day, but there much more far and few between. Being in the clinical setting has shown me a new side of myself that makes me certain that my life is on the right path right now.

Because of aforementioned school, I have become an awful friend, wife, and blogger. I usually feel pretty stretched thin since I am also a nanny and work as a waitress on Sundays. My husband doesn't feel like we get to spend enough time together, and when we are together I am generally doing school work, or like right now have the computer in my lap, oblivious to the outside world. It's put a huge strain on our relationship and my husband makes sure to let me know all the time. We've worked so hard just to make it this far that divorce is no where on my radar (and most of the time, I'm so busy with my full life that I don't notice when things are getting bad), but it seems to be my husband's go-to solution at the time. Since the marital problems have taken over our lives right now, baby-making isn't really on the menu. I can't believe we've had 4 years of unprotected sex and nada (including those two months of Clomid). There will be months where things are awesome and we'll have all the right timing, but I've pretty much lost hope that I'll ever conceive again on my own. If our marriage makes it through nursing school, I get the feeling we'll be back on the adoption pathway, but for now, there is a hiatus. And for once, I'm ok with that.

Also, what are your weekend plans? I was thinking early morning hike with my puppy Saturday, followed by babysitting at a dinner party, Dixie Cafe Sunday morning, and clinical homework Sunday night. It'll be gone before we know it.

Please feel free to stick around and watch the drama unfold, and I would love it if you'd stay long enough to see me become a mother! Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just finished my last skills validation for the semester. In a little over a month, I'll be a fourth of the way done with nursing school.

My thoughts are all over the place lately, as is my relationship. I couldn't tell you what my marriage will be like next week. Our friends are fighting which seems to be spilling over onto us since they seem to be having the same problems.

It's just forcing me to think about things I generally do my best to overlook. I don't realize how much I belittle my own feelings until I'm forced to explain them to others. I make daily sacrifices to keep my marriage going and I'm feeling stretched so thin already.

I had a great 4 mile hike with my puppy Wednesday afternoon but instead of clearing my head like it generally does, it just gave me that much more uninterrupted time to hash things out with myself . I think things that I'm scared to say out loud. It just makes them so much more real with you hear yourself say them.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm finding a peace in my childless life.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Faces of Loss has a monthly writing challenge and this month, in honor of Halloween, the topic is to discuss the figurative masks we wear daily.

I feel like I became less honest with people about who I really am after my loss. I remember feeling the pressure to "just get over it" and so I hid my pain, wearing a mask of strength. I still wear that mask frequently when I'm feeling raw and exposed.

It's amazing to me how well I can fake moods now. I find myself constantly working towards projecting a better mood than I'm actually feeling. A different mask for certain friends, another for nursing school, even another for clinicals. Some days, I forget who I actually am underneath these masks. How long do you wear a mask before it stops being a mask and starts to become who you are? Matt likes to tell me to "fake it til you make it" but I don't feel like that's how I should be getting through each day.

Will there ever be a day where I feel like I can just be me?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I always find myself feeling overwhelmed by the amount of life that just keeps passing me by.

This semester is over half way over and clinicals finally started this week. I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Arkansas Nursing Students Association 2010 Convention this past week and it was incredible. It filled me with inspiration and solidified my desire to become a nurse. I loved being surrounded by so many people with a similar drive. It helped me to break out of my own shell and I feel like I grew and flourished. I decided at the last minute to run for District 2 Director for the state board of nursing students, filling out my application a half an hour before it was due, and winging a speech in front of 150+ people. Public speaking has never really been something I enjoyed but this time was so different. It was like a drug for me, such a rush of hormones and adrenaline that it kept me lifted for days afterwards. I had people I had never met coming up to me and telling me what a great public speaker I was and asking if I was considering running for a national office. It was awesome! I didn't get the position since I ran against a girl from a school that had 7x as many delegate as my school, but you can bet I'll be back up there again next year. I've also decided to run for a local chapter office (vice president) next year and Shandi and I are going to turn this chapter around and make it even more amazing. Can't you just feel the new inspiration?! And clinicals have been great too. I was so nervous, but once I got to the facility and met my clinical instructor, I started to feel at home, so much at home that I might apply for a job there if I can.

My personal life is definitely suffering now that school has taken the top notch in my priority list. My marriage, my friendships, my house, and my puppy are all being sacrificed in one way or another. Matt's feeling neglected, threatened not only by school, but also by all the comments I make about cute women. His nonexistent self esteem is nothing new to me, but the strain that it puts on our relationship from feeling like it's somehow my responsibility to make him feel better is getting even more exhausting. He is still quick to jump to "we should just split up now" when faced with any sort of issue he doesn't see a solution to. Just seeing (or hearing) those words brings back this flood of emotions from when we were apart when I really just wish we could put that behind us. He likes to assume he knows how I'm feeling or thinking, and usually he's way off base. His restlessness seeps into me and make me anxious. Anxious to be done with school, anxious for a family, anxious for happiness. I find myself so caught up in my own life, in school most particularly, that I have no idea that these other parts of my life are being so neglected until it's about to explode in my face and then I just have a full system meltdown. I wish there was some kind of nursing student spouse support group so that he can understand he's not alone in this. Yeah, we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like and I'm so exhausted most of the time we do get to spend together, but this is not unique to our situation. This is such a common problem during nursing school and hopefully in another year and a half, we'll have more freedom to enjoy our time together (if we make it that far). I would love to see his depression, anxiety, and OCD medicated, but that makes me a hypocrite for not wanting to medicate my own mental hurdles. His insurance with his job won't kick in until February, but I'm hoping now that I'll be able to find a CNA job with an insurance option cheaper than what I have for school, and we can both get insured. My insurance right now doesn't cover mental health at all and we definitely don't have the money right now to pay out of pocket.

I'm still getting to work as a nanny part time which does wonders for my soul. Without that outlet for mothering energy, I'd be a wreck. The loving bond we share just warms my heart. With the colder weather coming, we've been trying to soak up as much outside time as possible and I've discovered that tuning everyone out and pretending to be an airplane with him is a huge stress reliever. We just "fly" all over the park and downtown square and get all kinds of silly looks. I really do love that boy. <3

We're still working towards our own family and we'll be incredibly grateful whenever a little one decides to join our lives, no matter how "inconvenient" the timing may be. I talked to our chapters current VP and she had a baby during her first semester (and she was born early!) and she managed, so I feel like we could definitely figure out a way to make it work, even if would make things more difficult from time to time. I keep reading this quote everywhere in my online circles and I don't know who said it but it has stuck with me: "Don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." You can definitely count on us not giving up anytime soon, or ever. If we're still childless when I graduate, we'll most likely move forward towards foster-to-adopt again. It brings me comfort that no matter what the future holds for us, I will be a mother one day.

Positive affirmation for the day: Every day brings me closer to my dreams of being a mother and a midwife.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I feel this this past week flew by. Two more validations out of the way which means only TWO MORE LEFT for the whole semester! I desperately need to start studying for this next test even though it's not until the following week. It's just a TON of information we've covered.

Wednesday I had a life altering experience. We drove 4 hours each way to Oklahoma City to see The Mountain Goats! John Darnielle has a voice that just gives me butterflies and can bring tears to my eyes. When he sand Woke Up New I felt like he was singing just for me and I cried from it's power. It was well worth the drive, getting lost in downtown Tulsa at 2am, and the sleep deprivation. I'd do it again a million times over. It was such a great experience to get to share with my hubby.

Have I mentioned lately how awesome Matt is? I don't even want to think about how crazy I would be without his stabilizing love and support. He keeps me going when I want so badly to give up. I love him so very much (even if he is making me watch a 3 hour movie right now).

My sweet toddler boy got back in the US today and I get to watch him tomorrow for 7 hours. I can't wait to see him! I've missed him so very much these past three weeks.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's been an insane week. One of my best friends, C, had her baby around 1am on Thursday after a long, hard day of labor. I was anxious to get to meet her new son so I decided I would leave for Little Rock as soon as I was done with my physical assessment validation in school Friday. I was so ready to get on the road that I screwed my documentation up a few times, saying that N had "no visible legions" on her scalp, rather than lesions, but I still passed which is all that really matters.

I decided I'd stay the night with my other best friend, W, since she's been having just as rough a time as I have. Our mutual friend, and W's best friend, had her sweet baby girl three weeks ago in an emergency c-section. They soon discovered that she had been without oxygen for a few hours by that point and her brain had already suffered too much damage. They used all the technology available and countless numbers of prayers in the hopes that a miracle would heal her brain but it just wasn't in the cards. So Friday evening, as we were visiting C and her precious, healthy son Elias Jude, our friend K had just made the decision to take her baby girl, also K, off of the ventilator. After hanging out in the waiting room for a while by the NICU to see if any of K's family was coming out, we went back down the hall to see C again and love on the sweet baby who gets to go home with his mommy and grow up and do things.

W and I were both emotionally exhausted at this point and pretty much at tears over any passing thought of K and what she was having to do right then. We decided that we were both going to go back to her apartment and get drunk. It's something neither of us does very frequently at all and we are both such light weights that it only takes about 2 drinks for us to be fairly intoxicated. We went back to her apartment and watched Veronica Mars while randomly blurting out things we probably wouldn't say sober. It was a few hours of escape that I desperately needed. We cried and it felt good. I still wish we would have went for the tattoos though.

I woke up the next morning wishing I didn't have to move and remembering why I drink so rarely. I got around about 10 and headed to Little Rock to see C again before I had to come back to NWA. I stayed there at the hospital with her and Elias for a little over 2 hours and then I headed to Cabot to see my Nana. I only stayed there about a half an hour but it was great to see her. As soon as I hit the freeway on my way home, it was like the weight of everything hit me all at once and before I knew it, I was pulled off on the side of the freeway crying so hard I could barely breathe. The whole way home I don't think I made it more than a few miles without tears. And when I got home, Matt had cleaned around the house, like he said he would, but I assumed he would do the dishes that had been piling up in the sink all week and when I saw that he didn't I cried and cried like it was the end of the world. It's just been that kind of week.

I'm ready for the week to start just to have school as a distraction again. This Wednesday we're going to Oklahoma City to see The Mountain Goats and I am super, super excited. Thursday and Friday are both skills validation days so I'll be spending most of them studying for our 3rd test the following week. I'm 1/8 done with nursing school already! I also found out that after spring semester I can sit for the state LPN exam if I want to and I'm definitely considering it. I'd be able to have a great summer job and I'll admit, I've thought about applying to Baptist's nursing program and if I had my LPN, I could transfer a lot more smoothly.

Sometimes, I can make myself forget about how much I miss my friends and family, but these days, it's practically impossible and I think constantly about how badly I want to live closer to them. As much as I would love to travel the country and the world as a nurse, a huge part of me wants to stay right here. Matt's been ready to get out of Arkansas for a while now so I know he doesn't want to be here forever, and I'm not saying that I do either, but right now, I just want to draw them all close to me and surround ourselves in love.

P.S. I miss my sweet little ninja toddler. He's enjoying his European vacation and right now I think he's in Amsterdam. I can't wait for him to be back so I can cuddle him and love on him and pour energy into caring for him.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I was tagged by Amanda over at this girl will never be the same.
So I'll answer these questions instead of thinking my headache even bigger.

1. What is your all time favorite book? It's always hard to pick favorites and I definitely have a favorite in every genre of interest to me which makes it even more difficult. Most recently, I read Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro and absolutely loved it, so it's my favorite fiction right now. Thanks to the hubz for recommending it.
2. If you had one "do over" what would it be, and would you really take the chance? I would have turned to my husband in the grief after our loss instead of running away from all the people who cared about me. Some days I think I would take the chance, not that I would enjoy that level of pain again at all, but I do wonder what our relationship would be like today. In the end, I wouldn't take the chance because I think we're so much stronger today because of it. Matt would have never had a chance to go to Prague and I might not have started back to school.
3. Complete this phrase, "When life hands you lemons...." take them back and try and get a refund!
4. What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you? My step-mom told me that being in a relationship was going to be the hardest job I'd ever have. It isn't something that will always come easy, but it's always worth working for.
5. What is your favorite holiday & why? Not big on holidays, but I guess Thanksgiving would be my favorite since I'm a comfort eater and who doesn't love all the food!
6. What was your childhood nickname? Rotel. Don't ask me why. I guess since it kind of rhymes. I blame Wanda.
7. Do you thrift? If so, what is your favorite thrifty shopper?? Oh yeah, mostly because we're poor college students right now but I love thrift stores and garage sales!
8. What five words best describe you? Empathetic. Crunchy. Stubborn. Determined. Sarcastic.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Until I graduate. When you say it that way, it doesn't seem like that long! And I found an awesome program with Frontier Midwifery School that is an associate degree nurse to masters program bridge. It's 12 months of baccalaureate class and then I can dive right into one of their masters programs. They offer both nurse midwifery and nurse practitioner programs, but I may end up trying to complete both if I can't make a decision by then. I am excited that clinicals start a month from today

Big test Monday and I've been studying to the point of brain fry every day for the past week. Working two 10-2 shifts this weekend and studying in the evenings. And then yummy food at Greenhouse Grill with new friends N and her hubby J (who has a lot in common with Matt and they actually seem to get along really well!) on Monday to celebrate another test down.

Hopefully someone will decide to buy our car this weekend. It's up on craigslist for $500 obo because I want it to go fast!

Can I just be done with school already? I want awesome insurance and money to fill our home with babies and children. I'm ready to be a family. Ugh. It will be so great one day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

My story was featured on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today. I plan on posting a link to it on my facebook page October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, along with changing my profile picture. I'm hoping that a few people will go to their website and donate a few dollars in my sweet baby's name. We will be donating $50 for their amazing work at attempting the break the taboo, and make loss something we all feel like we can talk about.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Where I am, leaves have already started to turn colors. As the leaves begin to die, it's like the topic of death fills my thoughts. I know I talk about my loss too much for some people's comfort, but it weighs so very heavy on my mind right now. I watch the calender just creeping closer and closer to Sunday and slipping slowly down into this pit I know so well. This time two years ago, I had just gone to my first prenatal and was filled with nothing but hope. 4 days later I wanted to die. And it seems like I am being drained of color along with the leaves this year. Momentum slowly fades away a little more each day so I figured the 19th would just be just laying around and getting drunk, after working a few hours for Dixie.

I accidentally agreed to plans this Sunday before I realized what I'd done. It's not like I had anything productive planned, but my liver sure is going to miss out on some damage. When I agreed to said plans, I thought she would have a babysitter for the absolutely adorable 4 month old baby boy she has. I didn't feel like I could back out once she said her parents would only have him Saturday so he would be joining us. Maybe it won't be torture. Maybe it will bring me hope. Maybe I'll be reminded that I do have friends who will let me talk about my sadness, who will let me hold their sweet babies and just cry without judgment. It will definitely be healthier not to just drink myself into oblivion, and not just physically.

Things really are looking up, although I know you can't tell from this post. My school money finally came in. I found out I got an 87 on my first nursing test. My in-laws decided to get a new car and give us their old one. It's a 2003 Ford Taurus and they're going to come up here Saturday to bring it to us. I'm thinking I can probably get a few hundred dollars out of it on Craigslist since all it needs is a power steering pump to be working again. Things are about to be better than they've been in our whole marriage. So why am I still so down?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I am supposed to be listening some (boring!) Kaplan salesperson tell me how awesome her program is and how glad we'll be that we were forced to buy their product and testing. Instead, I'll use my outlet here.

I finally have one test out of the way. I have one test or quiz each week for the next few weeks so it will be hard to put as much time into studying that material like I did for this test. Hours upon hours of studying and I still think I got a B. I'll deal with that, but I really would have expected an A out of all the time I put in. I still haven't received my grade, but I know I was sure of about 81 of the 100 questions. I absolutely hated the collaborative testing that we had to do following the test. It consisted of random groups of 6 completing one scan-tron on the same test. I got appointed the team leader which I really, really hated and as if that wasn't bad enough, one of the people in my class that makes me want to bang my head against the wall was in my group as well.

I passed both of my validations too, but mostly out of pure luck, rather than skill. I am not even opening up a book tonight just because I desperately need a break.

Yesterday was one of those days where I really wished I could have just crawled back in bed. My alarm didn't go off so I woke up later than planned. Then, I got to the car and realized the power steering had totally gotten out so I had to quickly take Matt's car. I then tripped down the stairs coming from the parking deck on my way into school. Matt got really upset because by taking his car, I made it impossible for him to attend the necessary training he needed for his job. Fighting in-sued quickly followed by making up. So now without a car, I'm totally dependent on class mates to get to and from school most days.

I'm actually kind of stressing out about getting to work today because I left my phone at home and have no idea what Matt's number is (than you technology!) Even if I do make it home in time to have him take me to work, I do not have a ride home until an hour after I get off. It will be interesting to see if I can make this work this week. They'll be leaving on Monday for Europe and by th5e time they get back, we should have our car fixed, or at least the situation better worked out.

Sunday night was wonderful. After working at Dixie during the day and spending a few hours as Border's studying, N invited Matt and I over to their house for a few drinks. N's husband and Matt have a lot of similar interests and I know Matt really enjoyed being able to have someone to bounce that stuff off of. They share obscure movie tastes which Matt could talk about forever and ever. It was nice to see Matt enjoy spending time with a person other than me. I love him sooo very much, but I can't provide all the social stimulus he needs, especially now that I'm in school. I definitely hope that we'll all four be hanging out a lot more these next two years.

This lady is still talking and I would love to bilaterally palpate her carotids to shut her up. I am just cranky and in dire need of a break from school after the brain frying test this morning. Back into lecture tomorrow, which I never thought I'd actually look forward to but after 2 validations and a test in a row, it seems like a break.

5 days.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I haven't written a poem in years. I used to write them all the time, just ripe with teenage angst. I even set a few of them to music. Of course, they all burnt up with my journals in the fire, but I still remember some of the ridiculous lines I wrote.

Many things are weighing heavy down upon me right now. A friend who's baby is in critical condition after an emergency c-section. The prognosis is not good. Skills validations in school tomorrow and Monday. A huge exam on Tuesday. An eight hour volunteer shift Saturday instead of studying. My marriage kinda got stuck in a rut. I basically just want to cry. I think about it too much and make myself sick, give myself headaches, and just want to curl up in a dark corner and hide for a while. New friend, N, said something about yoga today and it really has me wanting my school money to come in soon so that I can try out some hot yoga in the hopes that it's just the outlet I need.

It doesn't have a title and I don't really feel like it is finished, but I'll share anyway:

racing thoughts and a busy mind
weighing heavy on my heart.
so many things that need to be done,
and no idea where to start.

watching the calender creeping closer and closer,
to the day that changed my life,
changed the way my mind works
and even who I am as a wife.

not a single day passes
that I don't think of you,
of the toddler you'd be growing into,
and all the things you'll never do.

time does not heal all wounds.
it only seems to bring more pain.
my arms are still empty,
my heart still in pieces,
and the tears still fall like rain.

No, I'm not depressed at all (that's called sarcasm, folks). Sometimes, I find it amazing that I can still force myself to do the things I need to for school, force myself to get out of the house at all. 10 more days until I'll probably be too drunk to stand (like that will help the situation at all). I'm off to force myself to be social at a picnic. And to buy a watch last second for vital signs validation in the morning. *insert scream here*

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I just feel like writing. Not about anything in particular so this will mostly be some more narcissistic rambling.

I have my first exam a week from today and I should be using this last little bit before bed to make some more flash cards since I'm only about half way there. There is just so much material to cover that it feels overwhelming to even look at it all. I stayed 3 hours after school ended today practicing taking blood pressure and discussing questions from the companion CD for our Fundamentals of Nursing textbook. I just hope our test will be full of just as many common sense questions as the book had, but I'm definitely thinking I'll be a C student for this class. This Friday is our first skills validation where we have to perform our newly learned skills in front of one of the nursing faculty. I am absolutely terrified of having to do this. I don't perform well when I know I'm being watched and it is causing me so much anxiety. I already warned my lab partner, N, that I am probably going to cry while I take her vital signs. I cried just telling Matt how stressed I am about it and I'm even having nightmares about it. Hopefully it will be one of those things where later I can talk about how silly it was that I was so stressed, but until then, I just try not to think about it.

My sweet little toddler D is going on a European vacation for 3 weeks starting the 20th of this month. I'm super jealous but also sad that I have to go 3 whole weeks without his sweet, sweet face. He gives the best hugs and kisses now. We get to house sit for them for 10 days out of that which should be fun. Their big fluffy dog is pretty awesome.

On a high note, Matt is loving his new job. You can just tell from the way he talks about the boy he's caring for that they've already got a pretty good bond. He almost glows when he talks about it. I am so very happy he got a job that not only pays decently, but is enjoyable as well. If only he didn't have to wait six months to get insurance. You can bet your tukhas (yeah, I'm pulling out the yiddish since it's the Jewish new year after all) that he'll be getting his baby-making abilities checked out as soon as we're not having to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket to do so.

This weekend I am volunteering eight hours at a local green expo. I will be at the NWA Birth Network booth getting to gush on and on about all things midwifery and natural child birth which I am really looking forward to. It is the one thing I could talk about for hours and hours straight without ever getting tired of it. I'm hoping that I will learn a few new things myself since I get to share a shift with a local midwife. I keep thinking, maybe I'll just fall in love with her and then in the midst of these next two hectic years I'll get to be a client of hers. Once again, yes I know I'm a nutter for still hoping that I some how manage to fall pregnant when I'm up to my ears in nursing homework and flash cards, but it is the one thing I want more in life than to be a nurse midwife and I would be so thrilled. Once Matt gets his "boys" checked out, I'll definitely be using my new health insurance to get some more diagnostic tests done on myself as well. Who knows, maybe even one day I'll have a nice, cushy nursing job with awesome insurance that will cover infertility... a girl can dream, can't she?

Off to bed now in the hopes that I can find the motivation to work out in the morning. I had a request to discuss the fire that burnt our apartment down in January of 2008 so perhaps I'll relive that in my next post. It's just going to be a month of depressing posts because soon I'm going to write out the story of my short lived pregnancy since I'll be featured on around the 2 year mark of my loss. What a fun blog this must be to read...jeeze.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

We're currently playing house with my favorite toddler while his parents are on vacation. I don't think I'll want to go back to the real world come Monday. I could get used to this nice, big house, decent car, and cute little boy. I have a bunch of pharmacology homework to do and even more studying to get done, but I doubt I will have time to open a book until I get back home Monday.

Today we had a blast! As soon as his parents left, we decided to head off to Eureka Springs. We went to a big cat refuge called Turpentine Creek. They take in animals when zoo's close or when a private owner realizes they can't care for this huge wild animal that eats over 100lbs of food a week. We saw a bunch of lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!). We also saw a monkey, a parrot, a bunch of bobcats, cougars, and a black leopard. After that, we ventured into downtown Eureka Springs to see their old rail road engines since this boy LOVES trains. He had a blast and the weather was perfect for being outside walking around. He actually cried when we had to leave the railroad, but I got some good pictures of him on a lot of the really old cars. I'd love to take him back to do the hour long excursion train ride some day.

Ended the day with some Thai food with my hubby and a cranky boy who was ready for bed. I am now thoroughly exhausted and I know D will be up at like 7am and I have a busy shift at Dixie so it will be another long day tomorrow. Thankfully Matt is going to watch him while I'm at Dixie so I do get a small break, if you can call Dixie that.

This just makes me soooo much more anxious to be a mommy. I enjoyed myself so much today. He was like a natural antidepressant. And I love love love him.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

September 19th is creeping up on me so quickly. That's the day that I knew for sure that I would never have the chance to parent that sweet little baby. It's hard for me to believe that almost 2 years have gone by. Those 2 years have gone past in a blur. It's hard now to imagine being away from Matt for more than a few days so it's easy for me to block out the 6 months we were separated after my miscarriage. It's like I relieve those moments over and over around this time of year. I like to tell myself once we have living children it won't be like this, that I won't watch the calender move toward that date and just want to curl up inside my own shell, away from the world where I constantly feel surrounded by babies and pregnant women.

My bestest friend is in the last weeks of her pregnancy right now and I constantly kill myself lately with guilt knowing that if she has that sweet little boy of hers (whose name will be Elias) on the 19th which is just a few days after her due date, it will be so very difficult for me to make the drive down to Little Rock to meet him. I know I will love this sweet boy so very much, but that won't take away the longing that will fill me up as I hold him in my arms. She is already having lots of braxton hicks contractions and thinks he'll be here sooner rather than later, and I am so hoping she is right. It will just make it that much easier for me, and I know she's sooo ready to meet her baby boy too!

I'm definitely feeling the stress of nursing school already. I spent 3 hours on one homework assignment yesterday at my new friend N's house. I am very excited to have actually met some awesome people so far and I'm sure these next two years will bring many more new friends too. Tomorrow is vital signs and I get my stethescope which is super exciting!

After making some decent money at Dixie this morning, Matt and I decided to treat ourselves to a movie. We watched Dinner For Schmucks which was absolutely hilarious. We watched the original french version of the film about a year ago and laughed the whole time. It was just as enjoyable sans subtitles and with many familiar faces. The casting was spot on too. We are going to curl up on the couch and watch the first episode of another British cop show now since we've watched through all of Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes (two absolutely awesome shows about a person having an accident and ending up back in time, one in 1972 and one in 1982). This show we're about to watch, State of Play, has two of the same actors, including my favorite from both shows, Philip Glenister. Then it will definitely be time for bed. I didn't do my reading for class in the morning so I'm going to try and wake up early to get it done.

I am drinking way too much coffee now.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I think I've read about 15 chapters this week so far. My mind is full of new information and I just don't know how I'm going to be able to remember all of this stuff for the rest of my life. It seems like way too much. I've worked every single evening except Monday and it's definitely making things much more difficult.

I overslept about an hour this morning and had to get ready and get to school in less than 25 minutes. Somehow I managed, but not without getting in trouble by a security guy for going wayyy too fast in the parking deck.

Luckily, I have Saturday to get started on my study guide and hopefully go through all the student objectives we've covered so far. There's so much material covered in this first exam, but it does slow down a bit after that. There's just a lot more clinical practice and hands on skill days after the first exam, besides having to prepare for our drug calculations test.

On another high note, Matt most likely got a great job as an aide to a wheelchair bound teenage boy. It's 40 hours a week and it pays at least $10/hour. Once he starts getting some money coming in, I'll probably work a lot less with my lovely little toddler ninja which is sad, but I'll still see him at least once a week for sure.

My school money should come in about a month from now and then we'll be super set for a good long while. Besides, we also have $300 coming to us after labor day weekend since we'll be keeping the toddler ninja from Saturday morning to Monday morning. It will definitely be an adventure.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I figure if I can find the strength to break habits involved in frantically trying to conceive for so years, then I can figure out how to slowly work in new habits into my life as well.

This morning, I woke up early, worked out, and then, made coffee and some eggs. I showered and didn't just throw my hair into a braid and ponytail. If I can manage to make that into a habit, my days will be much better. Working out in the morning doesn't take away my afternoon fatigue, but it does improve my mood and make me feel a lot less stressed out. I recently won two Fertility yoga balls from a friend's blog that she got to review for Well I got them in the mail yesterday and decided to test them out post workout this morning. I just incorporated it into my cool down and loved it. Even if all I have control of in this world is my breathing, at least it's something. Those few moments of control make the rest of the day easier. Besides, working out is totally going to help me get back on track with I am determined to end this semester at least 20 pounds lighter (and hopefully not from our lack of food $$).

I have to wake up early and take my CPR for the professional rescuer class in the morning, then I'm going to get some more reading down in advance for the week. And I just got the news that approximately one month from now I should get my first part of my financial aid disbursement, so if we can just make it through this next month, then we should be able to manage for the whole semester. There will definitely be a budget post coming up soon.

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