Sunday, October 18, 2009

I've decided to start the blog back up. Way more for my sake than for anyone else. I just miss writing; somehow writing about feeling crappy eases the intensity.

Thank you Dr. Seuss for describing my mood swings so well. "On a red day, how good it feels, to be a horse and kick my heels!" I felt amazing for a while, got tons of stuff done, made hundreds of flash cards to study with, loved my husband like there was no tomorrow...it was great. And now this is what I have to pay for that fun time. "Grey day, everything is grey. I look but nothing moves today." My mind goes to such dark places lately and I hate myself. I constantly insult myself in my head right now and there's not even a bread crumb of the confidence left that I had less than a month ago. I'm so ill prepared for my anatomy test tomorrow compared to the preparation I put into studying for the test last time. I feel like acknowledging it makes it easier to deal with. Sadness just creeps into every crack. I really try to be happy. I want to be happy. All that gets me through the day is knowing Matt understands this part. He gets the down part and know how the sadness slowly suffocates you. He is my breath in all of this. I know I need constant, steady medication and monitoring but when I'm sad, it's easy to put everything off and when I'm up, the last thing I want is to feel any less of anything.

But the sun will keep rising and I know that one day in the near future, I'll wake up with a new spark. "Then comes an yellow day and 'Weeeeee!!!!', I'm a busy, buzzy bee!"

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