Tuesday, October 20, 2009


The in-laws came yesterday. No where near as miserable as I thought it would be, but I was at school a big hunk of the time. I was nice and suggested breakfast this morning so I feel like I deserve a nice pat on the back. I got some new running shoes and a much needed comfier bed out of their visit. Now I miss my parents a whole bunch though and can't wait to go visit them.

I have a dentist appt. tomorrow and hopefully they can find a solution to my pain. The drugs are just making me so nauseous lately, even though I hadn't had a problem with them before.

Still down, but I did at least make an attempt to find an affordable doctor so that Matt and I can get the medication we need. Working out is really helping me. I decided to try the couch to 5k program and I am really enjoying it. It's already gotten to the point where it's not a chore to go out and walk/run so hopefully I can make it into a continuous habit. It's just the only time when my mind is seriously blank. The only thing my body can focus on is getting to the next marker I've set for myself. It's just a feeling I so rarely get since my mind is either racing or beating itself up depending on the day.

No idea how I did on my anatomy test, but I'm somewhat hopeful since I was only really unsure of 12 questions out of 85. It will be hard to make myself go tomorrow, especially if the dentist actually does anything to that bulge in my gum.

I just keep falling.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I've decided to start the blog back up. Way more for my sake than for anyone else. I just miss writing; somehow writing about feeling crappy eases the intensity.

Thank you Dr. Seuss for describing my mood swings so well. "On a red day, how good it feels, to be a horse and kick my heels!" I felt amazing for a while, got tons of stuff done, made hundreds of flash cards to study with, loved my husband like there was no tomorrow...it was great. And now this is what I have to pay for that fun time. "Grey day, everything is grey. I look but nothing moves today." My mind goes to such dark places lately and I hate myself. I constantly insult myself in my head right now and there's not even a bread crumb of the confidence left that I had less than a month ago. I'm so ill prepared for my anatomy test tomorrow compared to the preparation I put into studying for the test last time. I feel like acknowledging it makes it easier to deal with. Sadness just creeps into every crack. I really try to be happy. I want to be happy. All that gets me through the day is knowing Matt understands this part. He gets the down part and know how the sadness slowly suffocates you. He is my breath in all of this. I know I need constant, steady medication and monitoring but when I'm sad, it's easy to put everything off and when I'm up, the last thing I want is to feel any less of anything.

But the sun will keep rising and I know that one day in the near future, I'll wake up with a new spark. "Then comes an yellow day and 'Weeeeee!!!!', I'm a busy, buzzy bee!"

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