Thursday, December 31, 2009

So this is the time of new year resolutions all across the blogosphere and I feel compelled to join in the festivities.

There are so many things I would love to accomplish in 2010 and I do love making lists, but I think I've done a reasonable job choosing totally atainable things.

I will learn to cook one new meal a month and return to the meal planning that helped us save so much money.

I will return to the couch to 5k program that I had grown to love before catching the flu as well as try to start doing yoga again at least once a week.

I will strive to recycle more and waste less.

I will get into the NWACC nursing program and thrive in their small class size.

I will learn new ways to cope with my mood swings, even if that means forking over hundreds of dollars to be medicated.

I will finally get the dental work I so badly need. I hope that by the summer of 2010 no one will be able to wipe the smile off my face and my self confidence will quadruple.

I will strive daily to be optimistic and thankful for the babies and pregnant ladies in my life, while still not feeling guilty for days of bitterness and self pity.

I will finish my DONA birth doula certification and finally start charging for births.

I will conceive a healthy baby that will live this time. Although I probably won't get to give birth in 2010, I will get to be a mommy again.

I will make sure that my husband knows how much I love him every day and I won't retreat to the bedroom to sleep until any and all arguments are resolved.

I will learn from all the lovely MDC ladies and actively be a sponge.

I will write for myself. I don't ever expect this blog to get very much traffic but it does wonders for my state of mind. Just being able to get my thoughts out and remind myself that it's ok to struggle from time to time.

I think that just about covers it. I am excited about the coming week, although I can't disclose why just yet in case my husband decides to suddenly start reading my blog (yeah right!). We never really do very much for New Year's Eve but tonight we're going to go be social and hang out with our closest friends up here. I'm sure there will be a few more people there but overall a very small get together of friends, vices, and apples to apples...my kind of gathering.

Happy New Year to everyone! May 2010 bring you more blessings that you can imagine or hope for!

Monday, December 28, 2009

We spontaneously decided Thursday morning to make the 3 and a half hour trip home to Cabot and decided not to tell anyone we were coming. We had to drive through a ton of rain and while I was driving on some of the back roads we risked driving through some flooded roads. We stopped at my mom's first and she was quite surprised to see us. My grandpa Mike, her father, is staying at her house for Christmas too so he had expected to get to see me either. Next, we went to my dad's house and just walked right in. My step mom, Dawn, had gone to the grocery store about an hour earlier so he thought it was her coming back home and didn't think anything about hearing someone walk in. He was very glad to see us and I had a nice time curling up with him on the couch to watch a bit of television before we decided to head over to Nana's. My dad showed me the way he knocks on her door so we got to surprise her without scaring her too much. After letting her know that we would be staying there, we drove up to see Matt's parents for a bit. We hit a bunch of water on the freeway and almost got into a wreck because of the stalled traffic. I am so very glad we got to see our family again, especially getting to see Nana and how happy our visit made her. We are hoping she will get to come up and stay with us for a few days this next month.

I was supposed to watch the baby ninja for the entire weekend but my boss just called to tell me that they've changed their mind about going on a trip. They said that they're tired and are just going to go out for an extended date night instead. I don't blame them as I would most likely have a hard time leaving my 18 month old for two whole days unless it were absolutely necessary. But that does mean that I get paid for all day Friday even though I get the day off since he considers it a holiday.

I feel like my relationship with Matt is stronger than it has ever been right now. I love having our own place and getting to spend so much time just the two of us. I know that 2010 will be such an amazing year for both of us. Hopefully, Matt will just absolutely love UofA, I will get into the nursing program in May, and having paid down some of our debts, I'll be able to talk Matt into actively pursuing conception again. We have talked extensively about adopting through the foster care system,but I think we both agree that seems like something we'd like to do in a few years, after trying to have a biological child again first. The desire to be a mommy has to be the strongest emotion I've ever felt and I'm not all that particular on how I get there. It just gets harder and harder each month.

What is one thing you wish you would have done before having children?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I just got a Christmas bonus! And our car is going to cost about half as much as it was going to! What better news to get just days before the holidays.

Today is my Friday and I don't work again until next Tuesday. Definitely going to get some knitting done. I don't know what I am going to do with so much time off.

Just wanted to share my good news.

Monday, December 21, 2009

What a crazy semester! I still managed to get all A's and my gpa is 4.0 so that will hopefully put me towards the top of the list for the nursing program. So thankful for this month off of school though!

Matt and I are finally settled into our new home. I love it. It's an older two bedroom with a big fenced in back yard. I know it's a bit late, but I put up our xmas tree yesterday and I think it makes our house feel much more like home. We also added a little kitten to our family. His name is Dexter and Samus has taken to him so well that she is now nursing this little kitty. It looks pretty ridiculous but it's kind of cute.

I am looking forward to 2010. It's going to be a year of great growth for us. We are both going to be in school, finally living on our own again, so very in love, and I just can't wait to see what all is in store. I am still holding out some hope for a possible 2010 baby, but Matt kinda calls the shots on that one.

This is a super short week for me since I only work today and tomorrow which gives me Wednesday through Sunday off. I think I might re-finish two of our bookshelves and possibly our coffee and end tables. Although we can't make it home for xmas, Matt and I are still going to make it special just for us. We might go help serve food to needy. I am going to cook a ham and some green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, and some homemade rolls too. It will be delicious for sure...even if it will just be the two of us eating on it for the next few weeks hah.

And just to end this on an educational note, here is a recent study showing that the early rupture of membranes after a spontaneous beginning of labor almost triples the risk of needing a c-section. One day I will be part of helping change these things.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Hmm

The in-laws came yesterday. No where near as miserable as I thought it would be, but I was at school a big hunk of the time. I was nice and suggested breakfast this morning so I feel like I deserve a nice pat on the back. I got some new running shoes and a much needed comfier bed out of their visit. Now I miss my parents a whole bunch though and can't wait to go visit them.

I have a dentist appt. tomorrow and hopefully they can find a solution to my pain. The drugs are just making me so nauseous lately, even though I hadn't had a problem with them before.

Still down, but I did at least make an attempt to find an affordable doctor so that Matt and I can get the medication we need. Working out is really helping me. I decided to try the couch to 5k program and I am really enjoying it. It's already gotten to the point where it's not a chore to go out and walk/run so hopefully I can make it into a continuous habit. It's just the only time when my mind is seriously blank. The only thing my body can focus on is getting to the next marker I've set for myself. It's just a feeling I so rarely get since my mind is either racing or beating itself up depending on the day.

No idea how I did on my anatomy test, but I'm somewhat hopeful since I was only really unsure of 12 questions out of 85. It will be hard to make myself go tomorrow, especially if the dentist actually does anything to that bulge in my gum.

I just keep falling.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I've decided to start the blog back up. Way more for my sake than for anyone else. I just miss writing; somehow writing about feeling crappy eases the intensity.

Thank you Dr. Seuss for describing my mood swings so well. "On a red day, how good it feels, to be a horse and kick my heels!" I felt amazing for a while, got tons of stuff done, made hundreds of flash cards to study with, loved my husband like there was no tomorrow...it was great. And now this is what I have to pay for that fun time. "Grey day, everything is grey. I look but nothing moves today." My mind goes to such dark places lately and I hate myself. I constantly insult myself in my head right now and there's not even a bread crumb of the confidence left that I had less than a month ago. I'm so ill prepared for my anatomy test tomorrow compared to the preparation I put into studying for the test last time. I feel like acknowledging it makes it easier to deal with. Sadness just creeps into every crack. I really try to be happy. I want to be happy. All that gets me through the day is knowing Matt understands this part. He gets the down part and know how the sadness slowly suffocates you. He is my breath in all of this. I know I need constant, steady medication and monitoring but when I'm sad, it's easy to put everything off and when I'm up, the last thing I want is to feel any less of anything.

But the sun will keep rising and I know that one day in the near future, I'll wake up with a new spark. "Then comes an yellow day and 'Weeeeee!!!!', I'm a busy, buzzy bee!"

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