Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Or at least I'm going to make a really concerted effort to do so. I was so thankful not to be on call for December and January. It was lovely. We got away for a snowy weekend in a remote little house near the Buffalo river. It was a lot of getting snowed in and getting to spend a lot of quality time with Matt. I am working my butt off to train for a half marathon in April. I ran a 10k in November, an 8k last month, and have another 10k this next Saturday. I ran 70 miles in January and almost 50 in February. I had my longest run yet this past Saturday ---9.25 miles!! I'm kind of addicted. It's been a great, healthy outlet for a lot of my emotions lately. My first birth of this year was a very healing one as I got to witness a mother welcome her second child in the last 12 months and the shock on her face when that sweet girl let out a huge cry because all she could imagine was the stillness she'd experienced last March. Our shared tears have bonded us for life. I am planning a morning of reflection at her firstborn's grave on what would have been his first birthday where I will tell him all about his amazing parents and the effect that his birth has had on my life, on the world, on my career. I think of his sweet face when I run sometimes. I haven't conceived again since last June and we've done a lot of avoiding in that time too. We're both finally back to a place where we feel like it would be ok if I got pregnant. I'm taking supplements daily "just in case." We are really, really, really ready to move out of this travel trailer. The novelty of it wore off once our door froze solidly shut in negative temps and our dog grew to 80lbs in just a few months, not to mention all the mold caused by condensation. We're just struggling to find a place that is okay with our giant puppy. He's seriously huge...his name is Hodor so we kind of jinxed him into giantness. I'm seriously going to try to keep up with how things are going here, as much as I can. It may be a lot of rambling at first while I re-discover how to blog again. Much love to any who have stuck around this long. <3

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I should have been 40 weeks pregnnant. I should be anxiously awaiting labor. I should be round and full of baby. I should be taking it easy, preparing for the huge undertaking of birth and parenthood. I should be filled with joy. I would have changed my life to accommodate that baby. I would have got a job I hated in order to put back money to have time off with that baby. I would have sucked in my complaints and let only gratitude fill my voice. I would have sacrificed everything I have to have been able to welcome that baby into our lives. Instead, I can't sleep (and not because I'm waking a million times a night to pee.) I spend the night tossing and turning, woken by dreams that I've had my baby but lost her, either at the mall in the apocalypse or a hotel during an evacuation and no one will help me find her. It has rained heavily lately and on our tin roof it gets so loud that I'm woken by that a lot too and then can't go back to sleep. And of course the lack of sleep feeds the feeling of being emotionally fragile and everything feels that much more stressful, that much more intense and so much harder to manage. I feel like I'm teetering on a cliff side and just the slightest breeze is going to come and initiate a freefall unlike anything I've experienced before. I feel like I've reached out to a few people but they don't know what to say. They tell me I take on too much and just need to slow down, sleep more, and it will all feel easier tomorrow. And maybe that is partially true but its not possible at the moment when I'm working 3 jobs and still barely making ends meet while Matt still searches tirelessly for his own employment. I'm just run down and feeling afraid of what may come when I do find time to pause.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I've got an always growing to-do list. I should be writing up a client birth story instead of a blog post, or maybe doing my apprenticeship homework to write an article/brochure on Rh- mamas, or re-vamping my focus session presentation on doulas & nurses, but alas, my heart says to do other things.

I am having a hard time with some upcoming births with the thought always present in my mind that if I'd not miscarried at Thanksgiving, I'd be the one having my home-visit, setting up the pool, and trying to mentally prepare myself for labor. Instead, I'm keeping myself busier than is healthy, feeling constantly run down, and preparing for another run of births. I'm sure I'll be feeling the same way come February as I'm watching those ladies lift their babies up to their chests and feeling like my time will never come. I've been to 20 births this year already and some how, it feels like it's getting harder.

Things just feel stagnant in my body right now. I had an incredibly heavy period this month, way worse than it's been in a very long time, and I was at a birth which always makes me cramp anyway. I thought about asking for an epidural, hah.

Anyway, I'm loving this song right now (and the brilliant Netflix tv show it was written for). "Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard." <3 br="" nbsp="">


Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm finally feeling a little better and less raw now that I've finally stopped bleeding. I do have this kind of fear of sex at the moment, worried for the first time in a long time that I might actually get pregnant again soon, and I really can't handle that right now. I really didn't have much anxiety last month because I honestly felt like that time was going to be different, like I had nothing health wise to be anxious about and that we'd finally be meeting our baby come next February. Now, I have anxiety in every day situations and I worry about my health constantly. I'm diving into my genetic results but finding only more problems to make me anxious, only more doubt that maybe my genes are just so terrible that I shouldn't be trying to pass them on, like each of those 3 miscarriages has saved us from some horribly genetically screwed up baby. What I've discovered so far though seems at least partially fixable and I do feel like if I can get that all situated, I will have a much better shot next time around (though honestly, I hope that's a ways off...)

I'm trying to just jump right back into my life, already been to 3 more births (17 total for the year!) and right back into twice weekly prenatal days where I'm palpating pregnant bellies and listening to heart tones. Back to working 3 days a week at a little natural parenting retail store and waiting tables one day a week. It doesn't leave for too much down time but that's kind of how I prefer it.

I'm struggling right now with feeling super, super selfish. We're struggling financially in a big way at the moment, Matt hasn't had a job since mid-Feb, and here I am working my tail off in this midwifery apprenticeship (that doesn't pay) while I do nothing with my nursing license that I spent years trying to get. I have moments of stubborn pride where I feel so certain I am doing the right thing doing what I love right now but for the most part, I just feel like the most selfish wife in the world.  I'm making enough with all my part time jobs to just barely make it by when I could have just one nursing job and probably make twice as much as I am now. I definitely waver back and forth.

I just keep trying to remind myself the difference I'm able to make on an almost daily basis. I feel so much more fulfilled over these last few months than I have in my entire life. I've been privileged to support a mom through a still birth and got to use my knowledge of local resources to help her get some incredible pictures of her sweet baby all while being able to speak words that brought me comfort through my losses. I've got to reassure a mom while she was pushing that everything was going to be good, even if her midwife didn't make it in time (which thankfully, she did.) I've held puke buckets, wiped sweaty faces, cleaned a lot of bath tubs and have never been so thankful and humbled in my entire life. It's a charmed life I lead and though we've definitely seen more than our fair share of hardships and total craptastic luck, we've got a lot of things we're grateful for as well.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

No, seriously, fuck this ridiculously unfair bullshit.

This time last week, I was in a dream world. I felt pregnant, hungover, and couldn't believe there were actually two lines on the test I took. I mean, the timing could have been better. Matt doesn't have a job, I'm staying busy with my unpaid apprenticeship and barely scraping by on my other part time jobs to pay our bills, with the help of our family too. But I just felt so different than I did in November when I was anticipating the miscarriage. I had a nice range of symptoms and was looking forward to a February baby.

Then Sunday, I started having bright red spotting and just knew I was on my way to my 3rd miscarriage. It just keeps continuing, finally getting heavier today with some clots but it still doesn't feel anywhere near over. I took some methergine which was supposed to help things along but it hasn't really changed much so I might have to take it again.

I'm just feeling broken, like my body is a baby killer.

I'm trying to be positive about the fact that I got pregnant at all, totally on my own without the use of a million other hormones. I get that that's a big deal but still, it's hardly a silver lining.

The kicker was that it was Matt's birthday when it started.

I will try to make a big update post from the last few chaotic months but I'm not sure when. I'm thankful that I was able to take off from prenatals this week and that no one has had their baby. I'm thankful my husband is incredible and reassures me at every turn. I'm thankful I have an amazing preceptor midwife who is so loving and supportive. There are certainly things to be thankful for but I still just want to scream a lot.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I'm not sure it's visible from the outside, but I am having some struggles. I have lots of reasons to be thankful, as I usually do: my first birth as an apprentice, a super successful event I'd been planning for months where the press showed up, we had way more folks that anticipated, & lots of momentum continuing to build, RV dreams now becoming a reality again (in just a few short weeks), lots of feeling like I'm doing what I was always meant to.

I have always been a person who stays busy. Lately though, I stay busy because when I have to focus on my million and one obligations, I can at least quiet down my mind. I find it gets the best of me in the car the most. I thought that being off fertility drugs would help, and it might have, but it feels minuscule. I feel like I carry around this huge weight every day. It's been especially present lately, waiting for just the right moment to jump in and ruin my day. I am hoping to start seeing a therapist soon and perhaps I'm finally to a point where I can be truly honest with someone. Long before anyone knew this blog existed, it kind of served that purpose but it certainly doesn't any longer.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

If you've never heard of ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) you can read more about it here.  I'll be going around, leaving comments on lots of blogs this week and usually, my blog gets a big boost in traffic as well.

There's not much going on on the baby making front in our lives right now, which is actually kind of nice after over 5 years of the majority of our sex happening in the hopes of a baby. I'll admit it's taking me a little longer than I'd hoped to try and transition back to sex for fun but I'm getting there. It's an entire change in mindset and I'm just trying to give myself space to make the change in thinking. I'm still having more pain (presumably from the endo) than I'd ever had before the surgery but unfortunately I'm kind of getting used to it. I am enjoying a month without ridiculous progeseterone symptoms to plague me. I'll likely start early next week and my boobs don't hurt at all which is pretty glorious. I'm researching what my options might be for pain control and may be doing a round of something, preferably anything but Lupron, in the near-ish future. I'm hoping that by taking baby making off the table all together, it will really help me for real put it aside for a while because it's always still kind of "there" in waiting.

I have worked as a birth doula for the last 6ish years, on and off mostly as my schedule allowed for being on-call. I graduated nursing school in May of 2012 and have been fighting with the state board over licensing ever since. I recently started an apprenticeship with a few different local midwives and it's making my schedule that much more hectic. Right now it's all worked out so far, but it kind of feels like only a matter of time before I miss a birth due to scheduling. I recently quit my nanny job where I've worked for over 3 years and am really, really not looking forward to breaking up with a 4 and a half year old. There will be tears. It just wasn't fair to them for me to always be on call and possibly having to miss work. They are very understanding but it didn't make it any easier. I started working part time at a natural parenting retail store that is co-owned by one of the midwives I'm working with and I've really loved it so far. I'm looking forward to all our big changes.

We had plans to move into an RV this April when our lease ran out but then Matt lost his job unexpectedly and we had to start using out "savings" to just pay our current bills. I'm making some money still by taking a doula client every month but that won't get us by for long. When our lease runs out, we'll still be moving but now it looks like it will be to a small apartment where we'll be able to save just about as much money. We have some big debts that we need to start paying off and I'd like to eventually put some money back to build on some land our friends recently purchased.

Right now, my little mantra has been that if my body isn't going to give me a baby, then it's going to do a million other amazing things for me. I've found a place of peace and for the first time in almost a decade, I really feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. (And of course, the running joke in our household is that we're going to move from our 3 bedroom home into a small, studio-ish apartment or RV, take on all this extra responsibility, and then I'll end up spontaneously pregnant with triplets or something.)

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